Every action taken by human beings is based in love or fear, not simply those dealing with relationships. Decisions affecting business, industry, politics, religion, the education of your young, the social agenda of your nations, the economic goals of your society, choices involving war, peace, attack, defense, aggression, submission; determinations to covet or give away, to save or to share, to unite or to divide – every single free choice you ever undertake arises out of one of the only two possible thoughts there are: a thought of love or a thought of fear.

Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms.

Love is the energy which expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals.

Fear wraps our bodies in clothing, love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings to and clutches all that we have, love gives all that we have away. Fear holds close, love holds dear. Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles, love soothes. Fear attacks, love amends.

Every human thought, word, or deed is based in one emotion or the other. You have no choice about this, because there is nothing else from which to choose. But you have free choice about which of these to select.

– Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God, book 1

Hello Fear my old friend. I thank you for all you have done to keep me safe. I can see you sitting beside me, holding my hand. On my left I feel Love. She is growing, has flowers blooming in her hair, is shining her warm light into my heart. The armor you helped me build is melting. You are a shadow of your former self, fading into love’s brilliance. I imagine we will be lifelong companions and I welcome your help when necessary. I just want you to know I don’t need you so much anymore. Feel free to relax, take a deep breath, take a back seat. The pressure’s off.

Sincerely,

Alana

Grief deepens you. It allows you to explore the perimeters of your soul. Grief is the only gateway to certain levels of consciousness, and it is a hard taskmaster. Through grief you can explore every aspect of your dark side – anger, pain, abandonment, terror, loneliness; and these are aspects of the sacred wound that in our daily lives we usually try to ignore. Grief forces you to look at those parts of yourself that are not yet healed. If you can look at grief as a teaching, you will grow. The pain of grief is not the only teacher in this life, but if looked at properly, with awareness and an open heart, it is one of the greatest teachers of all. The seeds of wisdom and enlightenment are planted within the wounds of grief. What is lost can only come back to us again in higher ways.

– Lynn V. Andrews, The Power Deck

My experience of grief is changing. In the last ten days, the intensity has shifted. While my eyes fill with tears daily, occasionally they do not spill over. Grief continues to appear – sometimes I find myself annoyed, grumpy, impatient; at other times its weight is heavy on my chest. The waves still come and with them the wracking sobs that wash me clean but it seems that, for the moment, they are not as frequent.

I have mixed feelings about this. I recognize the human – the societal – tendency to rush the process, to distract myself with the busyness of life – reading blogs, returning emails, exercising, cooking, washing dishes. Important in one sense and yet the beauty of grief is its permission to let them go if there is mourning to be done. There is still mourning to be done. I crave time for inward-focused work, for my soul’s journey, for the teachings that I am being offered. It’s easy to want to rejoin the world and in some ways it feels good but I refuse to let the days slip by the way they used to – in a blur of doing what was in front of me instead of what my heart cried out for. As the pain loosens its grip on my heart I can feel the tug of denial, of old habits, of taking the easy way out. I have promised myself that I will stay conscious through this process.

I want to explore the perimeters of my soul. I want to heal the parts of me that have ached for years, for decades. I don’t need to know what the wounds are but I do need to fill them with compassion and love so that they may heal. I realize this is the work of a lifetime and because I am human, grief will come again. I want to honor this loss, I want to honor my son. Though his heart no longer beats, I want the gifts he has showered me with to last a lifetime.

I feel the fear of getting it wrong and I remember to ask, What would compassion say  here? What would love do?

The answer is always a version of the same refrain. Stay open. Stay aware. Trust the process.

Today my inner-knowing-me added, Ask for help. Speak your truth. Trust yourself.

I stepped on to the beach this morning and the beauty of sun and ocean took my breath away.

I bought a chakra hoop that sends spinning rainbows of light into the air when it moves around me, beating on the door of my numbed belly.

I am moving my body again and am suddenly a desert wanderer stumbling knee deep into a miraculous waterfall. New life is springing from the ashes of what-has-been.

The sun is starting to shine.

In a few hours it will be 7 weeks from the time my placenta began to abrupt and my life changed forever. My body – this flesh and bone temple that has both given life and had life ripped from it – is no longer recognizable to me. It aches from my neck to the knuckles on my left hand to the arch on my right foot. When I move and stretch, it feels like no body I’ve ever known. It has been abandoned, abused, cut open and sewed up again. It has been loved, cherished, healed and overfed.

I am an emotional eater. Between breaking my leg, morning sickness that had me eating every hour or two, grief and recovering from surgery, I am heavier than I’ve ever been – heavier than my body wants to be. I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted the last seven weeks. It was the bad habit I wasn’t ready to let go of. I am ready now.

I am choosing, as of today, with great compassion for myself, to live the physical life I want. I have a goal – one pound for every week between now and the first anniversary of Ben’s death. That goal can be revised at any time because what’s important is not the end result but how I live the next 45 weeks. I am choosing health, joy, play, dance, peace. I am choosing to feed my body with foods that will serve it well, not do it harm. I am saying yes to life.

While pondering this shedding of the last of my obvious old habits and the padding I have added to protect my heart over the last few years, I discovered Bindu Wiles latest adventure, well actually, Shedventure. I participated in Bindu’s 21.5.800 challenge on my blog wholeselfcoach earlier this year. I think she’s fabulous and she has a knack for using her own growth to build heart-based community. Many people I respect, admire and love are joining her this time around and I wanted to jump on board immediately.

I got quiet. I listened to my inner knowing. She said no.

What? But think of the support, the community, the company. This is exactly where I’m at – shedding pounds, shedding possessions, shedding old selves.

No.

Why not?

You will not find your joy here. It is not right for you.

But…but…It will keep me inspired. If I don’t do it I’ll be missing out. Other people will come together and I won’t be there. I’ll be left behind.

Those are old fears. Trust me. Follow your own path and trust me.

She’s so clear, that voice, that inner me. She knows. So I will take her at her word. But if anyone else is up for it, I highly recommend joining Bindu and the fantastic folks she calls into her life. Let me know how it goes.