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On finding my way back

February 24, 2023 By Alana Leave a Comment

my words have gone
maybe the cat
soft gray fur
sharp claws
grumpy meeps
took my tongue when he died
and an angel uses it now

maybe the pandemic
stole them with
isolation
division
exhaustion

maybe it was
my old friend
comparison
arm-in-arm with
smallness
laughing and whispering
not enough
not enough
never enough

perhaps it was Instagram
sucking me in and
spitting me out
head spun
neck in knots
mood blue-black
with the futility of it all

my inspiration dry
as a crow picked bone
bleached by sun and heat
on parched earth
instead of the rich loamy forest
floor it once was

I am quiet
years of letting my words
lay fallow
finding my way
in new ways

then a flood
walking the dog
spitting a poem
into my phone
anger forcing its way
through my lips

another flood
sadness this time
words the only
balm

and I return
slowly
so slowly
to myself

a new voice
an evolution
of love
of identity
of hope

a restoration of
goodness and
potential

no guarantees
no promises
just this
just now
just me

Goodness Gathered – January 2023

February 8, 2023 By Alana Leave a Comment

The world feels like a lot these days. These last three years have been disorienting and like many of us, I am working to find my feet beneath me again.

One thing that has helped is to look for the helpers (to quote Mr. Rogers), to search out the good news instead of focusing on what the 24-hour news cycle feeds us in service of their clicks.

I wanted to share some of the stories I found helpful and hopeful in January of this year. I may turn it into a monthly post, mostly so I can remind myself that it matters. There are good things happening in the world and they’re worth paying attention to.

Image of an arrow sign with Goodness written on it, in front of a road and landscape

I loved this story about a furniture restorer who dedicated himself to decoding ice age art and actually did it! I think it’s vital to teach our kids that yes, you want to enjoy what you do for a living, but it doesn’t have to be your passion. Your day job doesn’t have to be your biggest contribution to the world. (And your biggest contribution doesn’t have to be on this scale – having a positive impact on your family, your community, your corner of the world is also IMPORTANT WORK).

These slow check-out lanes for folks who could use a chat in Dutch supermarkets are brilliant. They have a chat corner too, where customers can hang out a little longer.

RxWell is a new mental health support app that seems to be helping teens and young adults especially. According to an article on Nice News, “A study on the program, which looked at the effects of the app on young people between the agers of 16 to 22, found that 73% of users experienced reduced levels of anxiety and 57% experienced reduced levels of depression.”

The account @climate.psychology.alliance on Instagram has resources for dealing with climate anxiety. Find them here.

Amazing new research on endometriosis could lead to treatments for an incredibly painful, underresearched, and undersupported disease.

New uses for old hair. This blew my mind.

Check out the fourth annual Close-up Photography winners.

Patti Digh shared a link in one of her newsletters, to the story and works of artist and nun Corita Kent (Sister Mary Corita). Talk about a creative force for love + good + justice in the world!

P.S. If you don’t know Patti, she’s worth checking out too. I’ve followed her for probably 13 years since finding her early books 37 Days and Life is a Verb. In addition to numerous books, she sends out daily writing prompts via text, hosts the annual Life is A Verb Camp, runs a Hard Conversations book club and so much more.

My brother is a professor in the School of Forestry at the University of British Columbia and he runs the Wildlife Coexistence lab, studying human–wildlife interaction, often through the use of camera traps. He and his students and research partners get great photos of passing wildlife. We were together recently when I saw the story about these bear selfies found on a camera trap in Colorado. It’s hilarious and so worth watching. You can also follow the WildCo lab on IG and Twitter to learn more about the vital work they are doing.

I hope you find something in this list that cheers you, makes you laugh, reminds you of the beauty in the world, inspires you, or gives you a moment of hope. Feel free to share any goodness you’ve discovered recently in the comments.

With love,
Alana

Thoughts on delight

February 4, 2023 By Alana 2 Comments

I have to confess, I forgot my word of the year for 2022.

For a long time, the practice of choosing a word of the year was a precious and closely held piece of magic, guiding me through darkness, through healing, through mothering a young child. Then I got…angry? Tired? Disillusioned? Whatever it was, I gave up. Lost interest. Found other guiding lights.

During the pandemic, I turned back toward choosing a word. But with all the disorientation, the obsession with the latest Covid stats and political nonsense, the months that felt like years, my word of the year tended to slip my mind mid-March.

As the conversations about choosing a new word picked up this past December, I wracked my brain, looking for some faint imprint left by the word I’d picked. Nothing. The fog of being riddled with mold, then surgery, then my first covid infection had obliterated all memory.

Just before the new year, I picked up my 2021-22 Year Compass (a sweet, free online download in a gazillion languages), and voila, there it was.

Delight.

A lovely word. A beacon I could have, maybe should have, held close. But I didn’t.

Or I thought I didn’t.

In late November, I happened to be going through pictures from the year as I put photo books together for our parents. Interspersed between Instagram story memes and photos of food, were pictures I had taken in moments of delight.

Some were big events – my fiftieth birthday weekend in Palm Desert, family trips, weddings, concerts, and outings to the theater. But many were quiet little moments, Mary Oliver moments, moments that add up to a life.

The heart rock on my lane that made me smile every time I passed by.

The cactus blooms I looked for as I walked my dog to the State Park.

Palm trees framed against the bluest sky.

The way my husband and daughter look at each other.

Ada’s carved pumpkin sinking into itself in the California autumn heat, looking more and more like a grumpy old man.

My feet in the water as I walked myself back to health after my surgery.

Turtle playing with his best friend, Moki.

Pretending to hold the moon while looking for shooting stars.

The pink California poppies that grew in the backyard.

Perfect latte art.

And of course, the daily delight of watching my daughter grow up.

Even though I’d forgotten my word, even though it was a year filled to the brim with intense health challenges, even though it often felt better summed up by words like “frustration”, or “damaged”, or “Are you kidding me?” the magic of the word of the year wormed its way into and through my world.

It was a year filled with delight.

It was a year that added up to a good, imperfect, hard, beautiful life.

Well, hello there.

May 29, 2022 By Alana Leave a Comment

Quick note: I’m not sure if these blog posts still go out to anyone’s inbox. If you’re seeing this and can’t remember who I am or no longer wish to receive these posts via email, PLEASE unsubscribe. Because inbox overwhelm is no fun.

Hi you,

It’s been a while.

4 years and 3 weeks to be exact.

We’ve had a global pandemic + unending political nastiness + the ups and downs of life and it’s been a lot. I hope you’re hanging in there. I hope there have been moments of beauty + grace + joy alongside the hard stuff.

I’m here because I realized this week that I’ve forgotten one of the biggest lessons Benjamin’s stillbirth taught me.

I need to write.

Even if I don’t know what to say. Even if what I have to say doesn’t feel important. Even if other folks are saying similar things.

I need. to. write.

Last year, I started writing fiction for the first time since high school. I signed up for daily writing prompts from Patti Digh and it was fun to set my creativity free for ten minutes a day until I started ignoring the texts and then feeling bad about myself for ignoring them. This year I entered a short story competition on a whim, and I was shocked to make it past the first round. Then I narrowly missed making it out of the second round (I got the first honorable mention, with some pretty great feedback from the judges). It’s been a blast. I want to get better at fiction and I miss my non-fiction writing.

I’m still not sure I have much to say but that’s just smallness talking.

Over the last few years, I’ve developed an Ancestor veneration practice, thanks to time spent learning from Fabeku and Alexis. Many cultures around the world have strong traditions to stay connected with and honor their ancestors, but it’s not something I grew up with. The practice has added a richness to my life and I am grateful to be strengthening my relationships with those who’ve come before.

I’m also at the start of a new life cycle. I turned 50 this year and I’m in my 1 year in the 9 Star Ki system of elemental astrology that I learned a decade ago, right at the beginning of my last 1 year. There have been plenty of “who am I and why am I on the planet?” thoughts circling my angsty, foggy, perimenopausal brain. I’ve been asking the Ancestors for their help figuring it out.

The other day I was sitting at the Ancestor altar, having breakfast with them and just sharing the space when I heard them say, Your words are your legacy.

Excuse me, what?

While I feel close to my Ancestors, I don’t typically hear them talking to me.

Show up at the page, they continued. Just keep showing up at the page.

Ummm. Okay. I had questions. But they simply repeated themselves with this firm, no-nonsense feeling of unconditional love.

So I figure if they care enough to tell me, very clearly, what I need to do, it would be smart of me to listen.

I won’t be showing up HERE every day. Not everything is fit for public consumption. But I’d like to be here more. I don’t know if anyone blogs these days, but I remember when we did, and we made friends through our blogs and our writing and our sharing of everyday experiences. Some of those people are still in my life and I treasure them. So who knows what magic could unfold now that I’m back.

I’m always open to more magic.

xo Alana

P.S. Speaking of words, I published a mindfulness journal at the end of last year. You can find it on Lulu, Amazon and online at Barnes & Noble. It’s a sweet, simple practice and I’ve received really lovely feedback from people who are working with it.

P.P.S. Other people’s words I’ve been enjoying lately:
* Sparks Like Stars by Nadia Hashimi. It’s a beautiful story, gorgeously told. Even though the story deals with trauma, it’s handled so beautifully that it never left me feeling traumatized.
* Know My Name by Chanel Miller. I’m listening to this memoir from “Emily Doe”, the woman who was sexually assaulted by Brock Turner on the Stanford campus. Though it’s a hard story, her writing is luminous.
* Abby Jimenez, the hilarious owner of Nadia Cakes bakery, is also a romance writer. I’ve found her books to be a delightful antidote to the heaviness of the world. She follows the tried & true romance formula but adds surprising depth and realness as her characters navigate issues like infertility, disability & grief. I recommend starting with this one. Oh – and be sure to read the pinned post on the Nadia Cakes Facebook page if you’re in need of a good laugh.

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