In a few hours it will be 7 weeks from the time my placenta began to abrupt and my life changed forever. My body – this flesh and bone temple that has both given life and had life ripped from it – is no longer recognizable to me. It aches from my neck to the knuckles on my left hand to the arch on my right foot. When I move and stretch, it feels like no body I’ve ever known. It has been abandoned, abused, cut open and sewed up again. It has been loved, cherished, healed and overfed.
I am an emotional eater. Between breaking my leg, morning sickness that had me eating every hour or two, grief and recovering from surgery, I am heavier than I’ve ever been – heavier than my body wants to be. I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted the last seven weeks. It was the bad habit I wasn’t ready to let go of. I am ready now.
I am choosing, as of today, with great compassion for myself, to live the physical life I want. I have a goal – one pound for every week between now and the first anniversary of Ben’s death. That goal can be revised at any time because what’s important is not the end result but how I live the next 45 weeks. I am choosing health, joy, play, dance, peace. I am choosing to feed my body with foods that will serve it well, not do it harm. I am saying yes to life.
While pondering this shedding of the last of my obvious old habits and the padding I have added to protect my heart over the last few years, I discovered Bindu Wiles latest adventure, well actually, Shedventure. I participated in Bindu’s 21.5.800 challenge on my blog wholeselfcoach earlier this year. I think she’s fabulous and she has a knack for using her own growth to build heart-based community. Many people I respect, admire and love are joining her this time around and I wanted to jump on board immediately.
I got quiet. I listened to my inner knowing. She said no.
What? But think of the support, the community, the company. This is exactly where I’m at – shedding pounds, shedding possessions, shedding old selves.
You will not find your joy here. It is not right for you.
But…but…It will keep me inspired. If I don’t do it I’ll be missing out. Other people will come together and I won’t be there. I’ll be left behind.
Those are old fears. Trust me. Follow your own path and trust me.
She’s so clear, that voice, that inner me. She knows. So I will take her at her word. But if anyone else is up for it, I highly recommend joining Bindu and the fantastic folks she calls into her life. Let me know how it goes.
I was pointed in the direction of your blog by your mom. I’m one of her former students.
I wanted to thank you for writing. Your words are incredibly brave, powerful, and inspiring. I am always so moved by authenticity and the raw power of honesty.
As a mom, a one-day-midwife-hopeful, a birth educator in training, and mostly, as a woman, I reach out to you and offer a big hug. You are doing beautifully, and I think it is important to acknowledge that.
Today, I am thinking of you, your family, and your Benjamin.
Thanks again for sharing you wonderful spirit with all of us… I feel blessed for being able to get to know you through your beautiful words… Thinking of you!