Ada and I have been having these lovely conversations before bed the last few nights. We talk about all sorts of things. She usually says something about the baby or her brother. Last night she wanted to be reminded of his name.
His name is Benjamin, sweetheart. Or you could call him Ben, or Benji.
She smiles. Where is he now Mama?
His body died my sweet, but his spirit, the part inside each of us that makes us who we are, his spirit is watching over us, taking care of us.
She smiles again. He’s in our hearts Mama.
Yes, he is. He’s in our hearts forever.
An angel. She knows this from the book the hospital gave us for her.
I nod. An angel. You can talk to him if you want to.
I don’t want to.
Okay sweetheart, you don’t have to.
Mama, what’s my brother’s name again?
Benjamin, I smile. Or you can call him Ben or Benji.
Alana – No one can explain or understand why this happened but you are one amazing mama to be so strong to move on and chronicle this experience. There is SO much more life to live and Ben will be right there with you, in spirit, as you create the life of your dreams. You will heal. He will guide you and comfort you as you find peace. Thank you for sharing your journey. I have a resource for adoption if you ever decide you are ready. She recently adopted two girls from Ethiopia and is now in Ghana, this week, visiting orphans in hopes of finding families in Ventura County that can open their homes and hearts to these sweet babies that need someone to love them. Thinking of you. Sending love and sweet thoughts of your baby boy. Sincerely, Ashley
jeanne hewell-chambers says
i love that you’re having and preserving these conversations. don’t ever stop. ever.
I’m so touched by your writing, Alana. Each entry so beautifully captures your journey, and witnessing your vulnerability and strength of heart truly moves me. I’m loving you and your family, and seeing you encompassed in a deeper broader love of community and Spirit. May you feel that support and know what a gift you are to all who know you. Gentleness and peace to you, my friend.