Tonight I choose to remember that grief happens because we love deeply, and love is always worth whatever travels in its path.

*****

I am working with a chiropractor who uses applied kinesiology. I first saw him the day I went into the hospital that last time, when Benjamin died. He blows my mind. Apparently almost every part of me is under-functioning – my brain, my large intestine, small intestine, pancreas…but he’s hopeful we can bring it all back quickly.

Today I told him that my left hip has been cramping. After I sit for a while, I can’t put weight on my left leg when I stand. He checked it out and said I was holding guilt there for not being able to carry Ben to full term. (There?) Then he found more emotion in my diaphragm and specifically wanted to know what I felt guilty about at age 17. (I could give you a list). Apparently it had to do with my first boyfriend, and as we processed the images I was seeing, my body physically changed. It’s some kind of crazy magic and the man is a wizard. I am grateful for it. I will take all the healing I can get.

*****

In two days, it will be two months since Ben died.