I spent a half hour on the phone today with one of the two nurses who helped me through my last three hospital visits. One of the two who sent flowers two weeks ago. It was healing to talk with her. It turns out she heads the committee that collects and distributes the baby loss information we received. I told her how much it helped, how grateful I was to have it.
I was standing outside as we spoke, watching my naked child splash through puddles and play with wet sand. She wanted to know who I was talking to – I tried to explain. When I hung up, we played for a while longer. I felt fine.
Tonight as I did the dishes and Ada “cooked dinner” for us, I replayed some of our conversation and was suddenly, vividly, back in my hospital room. I could feel the fatigue, the fear, the pain across my lower abdomen that I thought might be my Cesarean scar tearing but turned out to be contractions caused by the bleeding. Amy sat on my bed talking with me, calming me. I told her each time the pain came and even though it wasn’t my entire uterus, I could see the concern in her eyes. She told me today that she wanted to change her assignment, to be with me but she couldn’t. Hospital politics kept her from holding my hand longer than the few minutes she could steal from her other patients.
Some people just touch your heart more deeply, she said.
Some people’s hearts are open enough to be touched, I thought.
I cried at the kitchen sink tonight. I am crying now. In grief and in gratitude.
I miss my baby boy.
I am touched at the very core of my being by the kindness of strangers.
The kindness of strangers, just like kindness from some people is – unexpected. Which I think makes it that much more touching. I have had some of those same moments recently. I spoke of my tattoo to our waitress and explained it to her and she said how sorry she was that that happened especially that my losses were so close. It was sweet. I had a stranger ask if she could give me a hug when I bought the book I will carry you which is about losing a child. People CAN be lovely. It’s the ones that are not that are the problem. If more people had kindness the world would be much better!
some months ago, i went to buy a pair of shoes at a big department store at the mall. i wasn’t expecting to bring up my dead baby girl, and i certainly wasn’t expecting the shoe salesperson to be such a compassionate human being on the job. during our interaction, i offhandedly made a comment about my pregnancy. the sales lady asked about my baby….and out it all came. by the end of our time together, the sales lady was in tears, hugging me and telling me how loved my daughter is and what a great mom i will make for my next baby. the kindness of strangers can make a normal day shine. and maybe we can be that kind stranger to others. sending you love.
adrienne