Friday night, after spending the evening in Los Angeles with friends, I got sucker punched by a cold. I’ve been pushing hard the last few weeks, working to get Picking Up the Pieces out, switching the website over, planning a celebration for the 1st anniversary of Ben’s death, being mama, wife and caretaker of my own heart and soul. I have never launched something so deeply connected to my core, and the steepness of the learning curve has my heart pounding. I’m feeling sucked into old habits – long to-do lists that don’t get completed, staying awake late into the night when I know I need sleep, feeling dissatisfied with myself for what I’ve yet to accomplish instead of glowing with pride at all I’ve done.
My head and heart are facing off, the taskmaster and the compassionate lover. Build Momentum! No, take care of yourself. Work harder! Work longer! Work smarter! Breathe. Rest. It will all be okay.
My head tells stories about how hard things are, and how I should be doing them the right way and wonders when I’m going to earn the big bucks.
My heart asks me to play, to dance, to meditate, to remember that there is time. It reminds me that I love what I’m doing and that anything is possible.
I’ve got a big week ahead, full of things that will pull my focus away from this space. I can feel the pressure of that, the fear of both success and failure standing squarely in my way. Wisps of the way life used to be swirl around me and my eyes cloud, my forehead creases into its permanently deep lines. I find myself losing touch with the present moment, with the simple joys. I think of Ben, of how his death has changed me and I vow to choose lightness and joy. I vow to live in trust that I am where I need to be, right now. I vow to honor the pain in my heart, smoothing it away with love and acceptance. I take steps:
I book a massage.
I crawl into bed before midnight.
I step outside into the sunlight, stretch and walk to the ocean.
I ask for help.
I put my smart phone down and walk away.
I write something that lights me up inside. Something that no one else will ever see.
I put the to-do list away and ask myself what I can do today that will make me feel better.
I make salsa with the heirloom tomatoes from my garden.
And the lightness comes. The joy is easier to find. Love makes its way to my front door.
And you? What are you doing for your heart today?