Steve left for Germany this morning. That was a really hard goodbye. Even with my mom here I am exhausted and it feels like there is no room for me. No space to be anything other than mama and daughter to the living.
I realized again today that I am afraid of being out in public looking pregnant. Like the well meaning security guard at the hospital who congratulated me as I was wheeled off to have a baby that was too young to live, I am dreading the pain of a “when are you due?” or “how far along?”. I don’t think I can lie. I don’t know if I’ll cry but it’s likely. I want to hide my belly, want to stay hidden until it’s back to the size where people will simply wonder if I have a little weight to lose.
Our delicious dinner tonight was made and delivered by a friend with the cutest little baby bump. She feels like crap but she looks adorable. Ada wanted to know if she was bleeding or if her baby died. Then she wanted to read “Mama, What’s in There?” – a book about pregnant bellies – five times. Staying numb feels awful but today, right now, I don’t know any other way to be.
Trena Pitchford says
Much, much, much love to you my friend…
I am SO sad for your family. It is one thing to lose a child, but to know that you will not be able to have another by no choice of your own is its own kind of pain added on top of the situation. I have two sisters who each had a stillborn baby in the later stages of their pregnancy. My oldest sister told me that it took about 7 years before she no longer felt the need to cry on the anniversary of his death. I pray that your precious daughter and time and the love of God will help you heal.
My younger sister wrote a blog when her daughter passed away. she was 35 weeks along and her daughter had a genetic abnormality. They had a few months beforehand to prepare for the loss. I hope it brings you some comfort.
God bless you, and your family.
Jen – thank you for leaving the link to your sister’s blog. What a beautiful memorial to their short time with Anna. Your family has clearly had it’s share of pain from this kind of loss. Thank you for sharing your stories with me.