I went to Barnes & Noble today to pick up a new cookbook. The woman at the register was the one who had exchanged a book for me just before Benjamin died. I’d bought a gift for a friend and had meant to return it immediately because it wasn’t the right version. Then I started bleeding again and by the time I got back there, the 14 day return window was up. I was rather short with her when I asked her to make an exception because I’d been in the hospital and on bed rest. She gave me a look that I interpreted badly. I got in the car and sobbed. I’m usually really nice to people but this had me feeling horrible even though I knew it was all tied up in my emotions.

When I saw her today I apologized. I told her I felt that I’d treated her badly and that my baby had died and I needed to say I was sorry.  Somehow all of that was connected in my mind, though I doubt it made much sense to her. She wiped a tear away, then held my hands when she gave me my change.

I got in the car and sobbed. Only this time I didn’t cry because I felt like a horrible person. I cried because I miss my son.

*****

I came home tonight to a beautiful flowering plant and note. From my two favorite labor and delivery nurses. Almost 8 weeks after his death.

It is amazing what happens when we live with our hearts wide open.

*****

In other news, the first piece of writing that I’ve had the guts to submit has been accepted for publication. In between all the tears today I have been smiling from my head to my toes.