I am struggling today. Maybe because it’s Thursday (I would have been 34 weeks. It’s been 11 weeks since he died), or because tomorrow is October 15th – National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, or because on days when I’m ravenous, exhausted and alone, parenting and grief are savage bedfellows.

Lying next to Ada as she fell asleep, all I wanted to do was get up and eat chocolate. I went to meditate instead, but all I could do was cry.

Recently Ada has been telling people two things, I’m going to be a big sister, and When I’m a big sister I’m going to ride a bigger bike. She’s also taken to saying hello to random people. Occasionally she will tell a stranger, Our baby died. It’s a strange, heart breaking moment and I’m still not sure what to do when it happens. Usually I smile with a gentle, Yes, our baby died, and move on.

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In my meditation tonight I had a memory wash over me of the moment I began bleeding with my very first pregnancy. I had just visited a friend and her new son in the hospital. She’s due any moment with her second, another boy. I was 5 weeks behind her. I ended up 11 weeks ahead.

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It is easy to fall into resentment and complaint, into a battle of wills, into us against them. It’s human nature when we’re not getting what we want. Today at the park I found myself getting annoyed because it was gray and windy, I was cold, and Ada wasn’t ready to leave. We talked about it. I tried to explain why I was right and she was wrong. I’m sure that’s what it felt like to her. Finally I let go. I accepted the fact that it might be easiest to stay a little longer. The need to leave was in my head. I looked at the beautiful little girl making sand angels at my feet, delighting in the feeling of her body moving through space and thought, this moment, this child, this love, is all that matters.

*****

My mom’s new hip is healing well. It’s the rest of her body that’s struggling to find its footing. I am sending her as much healing energy as I can and trying not to fall apart with fear. Anyone who feels so moved, please send love, light, and prayers.

I am practicing letting go.

I am letting go of old habits and patterns, belief systems, body weight, attachment to outcomes, clothing, books, stuff. Grief has made me less tolerant of what feels bad, of what is unwanted, of what I hide behind.

I want to live in clear, clean spaces. I want my clothes to look and feel good. I want my body to feel strong and healthy. I want to love deep and wide and still be at peace with what life brings. I want to accept all of myself – the graceful bits, the angry parts, the messiness and imperfections. In order to do these things, I need to get more comfortable with letting go.

This could take me a lifetime.

Yesterday I visited our storage unit to remind myself what was there. When we sold our house, we gave away as much as we could and still ended up with a 10′ by 10′ locker. When we move next month, we will be letting that go and I wanted to see how much work needs to be done.

Lots.

I’m ready.

The box of hand-me-down baby boy clothes will go. So will the rest of the baby paraphernalia, save for a few of my favorites of Ada’s clothes. I’m selling my wedding dress. Someone else needs it more than I do.

I am letting go of my need to have another child in my life. In my heart I hold a vision of many children running through our home. I don’t know who they are. I don’t know if they’re mine – as much as any child could be mine – or if they’re simply children I love and welcome into my house and heart temporarily. I don’t know if we’ll adopt, or if we do, how old the child will be. I am grieving, while trusting that the answers will reveal themselves when the time is right. I am letting go.

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There is a new tag line at the top of this blog. It used to read Surviving Pregnancy Loss. When Ben first died, I thought that’s all I could be expected to do. I quickly realized there was so much more to this process – to me – to the gift of his life. I am growing and changing so fast it’s hard for me to keep up. I am giving myself more permission to be authentic than I have in 15 years. I am honoring my creativity, my spirituality, my passion, my confusion. I am waking up.

This blog is about so much more than pregnancy loss. It’s about grief, yes. It’s also about life, connection, and joy. I might change it again, but for now, Awakening Through Grief feels true.

I am exhausted. I am scared. I am in pain. I am breathing. I am practicing trust. I am remembering faith. I am letting go and holding on. I am sending light and love. I am praying. I am shaking. I am crying. I am opening my heart. I am listening. I am holding a vision. I am practicing trust.