Last night I watched the clock inch minutes into hours, knowing that morning would come too soon.

I have no words tonight. Or rather, the words I  have, have been written before. Exhausted. Struggling. Tears. Heartache. Frustration. I am bored with these words.

My calendar mocks me gently:

The world of peace and joy is at our fingertips. We only need to touch it. – Thich Nhat Hanh

It sounds simple. Doable. I laugh at the illusion.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll touch it for a moment or two. Maybe tomorrow…

I had a tough day today. Woke up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed. The worst part is I know it’s all in my head – the suffering anyway. The grief is real but the unhappiness, the frustration, the beating myself up – those are words flashing across the screen of my mind and me choosing to believe them, be affected by them…or not.

The fact that it was one of the most gorgeous days all year made it worse. I had a moment, washing dishes and looking out at the sand, where I thought, I don’t want to do this anymore. Then I panicked. Okay Universe or God or whoever is listening, I didn’t mean that – I want to be a mom, a wife, alive – all of it. I just want to be better at it. I want it to feel easier.

I have grown a lot this  year. There have been many blessings. It’s also been indescribably hard. Now we’re moving – although we can’t seem to get a firm date – and I’m going through Ada’s baby clothes. I’m putting several big dreams on hold and watching relationships shift, grow, drop away. So much change. I am overwhelmed. And Benjamin’s due date is fast approaching.

There.

November 25th. Thanksgiving Day. It doesn’t matter that due dates are notoriously off and it’s likely he wouldn’t have been born that day had he lived. He didn’t.

Our son died.

Today, everything else is icing on the cake of my broken heart.

Every time I see a very pregnant woman – and there were a lot of them today – I want to strike up a conversation. I want to be friendly, kind, curious and then I want to tell them my baby died. I want them to know how lucky they are. I want them to know they shouldn’t ever take it for granted.

I want them to share a piece of my pain and then thank their lucky stars it’s not them. At least not yet.

After all, anyone can join the dead baby club.

Of course I don’t do this. But, oh, how I want to.

What I’m thinking about on this November night…

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. – Jimi Hendrix

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  –  Marianne Williamson

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. – His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

It is easy enough to be friendly to one’s friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business. –  Mohandas Gandhi

Try and live your life the way you wish other people would live theirs. – Raymond Burr

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. – Sophocles

There are two ways of spreading light — to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.  – Edith Wharton

It is human nature for us to have differing points of view, to think and act like some and not like others. I am saddened (and, I admit, incredibly angry) when I see what is happening in our country – the hate, the bitterness, the overwhelming fear. When we are unable to hear each others’ opinions, unable to open our minds to new thoughts and our hearts to new experiences, we are lost. It is my belief that if I feel anyone, no matter the color of their skin, their religion, their sex or sexual identity, is a lesser being than I, then I am allowing myself to be ruled by fear, though that fear can wear many disguises. If I am not part of the solution then I am part of the problem. If I am afraid, I cannot truly love.

If you’re here in the US, remember to vote tomorrow. And if you want a good rant on why you should, despite the ugliness of it all, go here.

For our children and our children’s children, let us be forces  for love, equality, acceptance, and stewardship of Mama Earth. Let us have the courage to listen, even when we don’t agree. Let us be brave enough to shine our light into the darkness of our own souls and see where we are the problem.