Today is my birthday. I am now 39 years old. It’s been a beautiful, simple day, full of emails, phone calls and facebook messages. We visited a butterfly grove, where monarchs flitted through dappled sunlight. We hiked down to a rocky beach and collected sea shells. I found a large piece of aquamarine sea glass – an unusual color to find and March’s birthstone – a little wink and a nod from the Universe. Dinner was at my favorite little vegan restaurant and for the first time since I became an adult, did not involve a glass of wine or anything sweet. Random.org and I picked the winners* for my three giveaways and I’m writing this with a cup of ginger tea on hand. Simple. Beautiful. After hitting publish, I will meditate, walk the dog, dance and fall into bed with a smile on my face.

I am closing the door on the hardest year of my life and opening my heart to what is to come. My perspective has shifted once again. I remember turning 29 and feeling despair at all that I hadn’t accomplished. I look forward to 40 and think happily about all the things I still get to do.

In the wake of the devastation in Japan and with today’s simple happiness coursing through my veins, the refrain I hear is this – It doesn’t need to be my birthday for me to choose joy.

And while I didn’t get to stare into a little boy’s blue eyes, or hear him coo, I know somewhere, he is smiling and whispering, Happy Birthday Mama, I love you too.

*****

* Giveaway winners were as follows: #1 Roos, #2 Tiffany, #3 Pamela. Thank you all for playing and allowing me to give to you on the day when I received so much.

Mama, I decided to wish for a little brother.

Oh really?

Yes, I want to wish for a little brother.

What do you think it would be like, to have a little brother?

It would be fun. And it would make you happy.

*****

Parenting is the hardest job. Period. Our children are our teachers, as much as we are theirs. They push our buttons, they force us to grow, they amaze and delight us. Parenting through grief has been an incredible challenge. I was well prepared in many ways – I have a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and did therapy with children. I spent some time learning specifically about children and grief. When Steve and I went into therapy to save our marriage, I became intrigued by attachment theory and how the first years of our life affect our adult relationships. In school, I grew more interested, more passionate. After having my daughter it became a focus and I developed and facilitated workshops to help pregnant couples make the transition to parenthood in a healthy way. I have many strong feelings on parenting and at the same time, I believe it is an entirely personal arena. Unless there is a serious mental illness, addiction, or abuse, parents are the experts on what is best for their children. Except – and I realize I’m opening a can of worms – there is a whole lot of outdated, damaged thinking masquerading as parenting advice these days. There are a lot of “experts” who make their living in ways that current research is showing can be damaging to children – to their brains, to their basic sense of safety, to their self-esteem and to their capacity to have healthy bonded interdependent relationships as adults.

Take a look at what’s happening in our world – in our country. Some will say that is human nature. I believe it has much to do with human nurture.

This is a much larger topic than I’m prepared to write about tonight, but I bring it up because as I was debating what my final birthday giveaway would be, I wanted it to be something of value and something I feel passionately about. It was hard to choose one, as I have quite a few favorite books. Some of them are paradigm shifters. Too much so for many people. I will list a few of them below in case anyone is curious. In the meantime, I chose Hold On to Your Kids – Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Mate, M.D. as my third hey I’m gonna be 39 and I wanna give stuff away giveaway.

Leave a comment below to enter. If you have a book that you feel was a positive influence in your parenting (if you’re a parent), please share that too. Winner will be chosen on Tuesday March 15.

Here is my very short list of favorites – eventually I’ll add a more complete one.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn (Alfie tends to be a bit of a lightning rod. This book is a paradigm shift for most. I wish it were required reading for all parents – even though not everyone will agree with all of it, absorbing even some of it could make a massive difference in how we raise and educate our children and the kinds of adults they become.)

Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith F. Small (A fascinating look at the new science of ethnopediatrics, examining how culture and biology shape how we parent).

Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed. (Helps parents deepen their understanding of their own childhoods in order to parent more consciously, in turn helping to raise more compassionate and resilient children. Based on neurobiology and attachment research).

Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson (Based on Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Communication – another brilliant book – this book helps families establish healthy, open communication and strong relationships. Moves away from the “because I said so” parent-dominant paradigm without making parents weak or submissive)

The Philosophical Baby by Alison Gopnik (This book contains one of my favorite metaphors on the difference between adults and children. Not a parenting book as much as an exploration of philosophical, moral and emotional development)

Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman (A compilation of the some of the latest research on children and teens. The first chapter on praise should be required reading for anyone who deals with children in any way. Read it and – fingers crossed – you’ll never say “good job” again).

Sometimes when I am afraid, I remember how the hardest moments in my life have brought the greatest gifts. The fact that my marriage fell apart early on gave us the opportunity to rebuild it with a solid foundation, allowing us to weather the storms of the last two years. Selling our house in Los Angeles was a decision I fought against for months but the relief of finally making it brought us here, to Ventura, and to the community that supported us through the devastation of 2010. My difficult pregnancy and Ben’s death have reunited me with myself – with the creativity and spirituality I held under the surface for a decade. The magnitude of these blessings takes my breath away.

I count my friend Amy high among these blessings. I was drawn to her energy the first time we met. (I’ve discovered that often happens to me with other Pisces women). She has been a source of inspiration, healing and support since then. I attended her Spirit Songs workshop, where I first heard the power of her voice and understood in my own body the healing capabilities of song and chant. At the end of my pregnancy, Amy gave me Reiki treatments weekly. After each healing session, the bleeding would stop within a day. There is a part of me that believes if I’d asked her to come more often, Ben might be alive. But that would have been a different journey and this is the one I am walking. A gifted and intuitive Reiki Master, she gave me my Reiki I attunement and I’ll go to her again for Reiki II. She is a Kundalini yoga teacher and I am currently taking a chakra clearing series with her that leaves me feeling grounded and connected in a new way. Can you tell I’m a fan?

Which brings me to today’s giveaway. Amy released Surrender, her new CD this week, under her spiritual name, Sat Nishan Kaur. Kundalini yoga teachers, trained in the lineage of Yogi Bhajan, receive spiritual names and anyone can request one here. As I listened to her sing on the drive to and from yoga this morning, I was moved to tears. The CD is a collection of inspirational, healing songs and chants produced by Thomas Barquee (the amazing Snatam Kaur’s producer)*. It is gorgeous. I want to share her with the world. She is shining her light beautifully. You can find more info and listen to clips of her music here. There are also free downloads, including an 11 minute chant and meditation to bring more magic to your life.

Enter your name in the comments – and if you’re willing, please share what kind of magic you want more of right now –  to win a copy of Surrender. Winner will be chosen Tuesday March 15 – my birthday! And if you haven’t already, enter Giveaway #1 and keep an eye out for Giveaway #3, coming Sunday.

Sat Nam.

*music plays when you enter the Snatam Kaur website – just so ya know.

These words are my daily – sometimes hourly – reminder of how I want to show up in the world. Right now. It’s not my best writing, but when I read them, I feel these words in my core. I deepen into myself. I breathe more freely. I step into my power and remember Who I Am. Tonight I wanted to share – to step out of my comfort zone – and hope that something in here might resonate with you.

*****

Ease. Let go of the paddles. Trust. Allow things to come. Allow good to come. Receive it all with an open heart. Set the course and relax. Everything is perfect.

Abundance. There is enough. You are enough. Open your arms and dance. Let life in with laughter.

Create. Get busy. Play. Have fun. Experience joy. Stay present. Write. Write. Write. Allow the crap to come out so the brilliance can too. Use your hands. Felt. Knit. Sew. Draw. Paint. Garden. Build. Play with your creativity again.

Connect. With a loving and open heart. Connect with yourself, with your passions, with your truth. Give and receive love. Stay playful. Send handwritten notes, emails, texts, tweets and make phone calls when the thought strikes. Let people know you’re thinking of them, loving them. Stay connected to now. Find the joy. Stay connected to the excitement of what is to come. Get out of your comfort zone and connect.

Commit. Say yes and mean it. Do it now. Focus – like a laser – on what you want and let the rest go. Commit to your marriage, your health, your family, your writing. Most of all, commit to yourself. You are worth all you can dream and more.