Sitting in front of the computer feeling grief on my heart like it’s a physical presence, making it hard to breathe. Today is 4 weeks.
Tears are streaming down my face. Ada turns from her book to look at me.
My brother lives in our hearts mama.
Yes sweetheart he does.
Your heart too mama.
Yes. My heart too.
I almost collapsed in the tea aisle at Lassen’s today. Mother’s Milk Tea, Pregnancy Tea, Morning Wellness Tea, Raspberry Leaf Tea – they were all I could see.
Periodically since Ben’s death, Ada has picked up one of our books about pregnancy “Mama, What’s In There?”. She reads it and lifts the flaps, looking at the babies in their mamas’ tummies. Today I found her quietly and methodically licking her finger and rubbing it on the flaps. She was trying to “tape them closed”.
Another friend is pregnant. I knew they were trying and the last time I saw her I had a feeling there would be news soon. Call it mama-spidey-sense. I wonder if I will ever hear someone’s joyful “we made it to 14 weeks” news again without thinking of the thousands of babies who made it through the first trimester but not the second, or the third, or the first day, or week, or month of life. Before Benjamin died I had no idea. No idea. The world looks different to me now.