I went to Barnes & Noble today to pick up a new cookbook. The woman at the register was the one who had exchanged a book for me just before Benjamin died. I’d bought a gift for a friend and had meant to return it immediately because it wasn’t the right version. Then I started bleeding again and by the time I got back there, the 14 day return window was up. I was rather short with her when I asked her to make an exception because I’d been in the hospital and on bed rest. She gave me a look that I interpreted badly. I got in the car and sobbed. I’m usually really nice to people but this had me feeling horrible even though I knew it was all tied up in my emotions.
When I saw her today I apologized. I told her I felt that I’d treated her badly and that my baby had died and I needed to say I was sorry. Somehow all of that was connected in my mind, though I doubt it made much sense to her. She wiped a tear away, then held my hands when she gave me my change.
I got in the car and sobbed. Only this time I didn’t cry because I felt like a horrible person. I cried because I miss my son.
I came home tonight to a beautiful flowering plant and note. From my two favorite labor and delivery nurses. Almost 8 weeks after his death.
It is amazing what happens when we live with our hearts wide open.
In other news, the first piece of writing that I’ve had the guts to submit has been accepted for publication. In between all the tears today I have been smiling from my head to my toes.