Reverb10. December 10.

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (from Susannah Conway)

I am at a point in my spiritual journey where I am unable to simply see life as life. I see everything as a lesson to be learned, a gift to be opened, evidence of the Divine at work. I have no idea whether this is good or bad, helpful or torture. When Benjamin died, my head and heart kept volleying possible answers to why? I continue to unravel it, moment by moment. I don’t believe there is a definitive answer, though part of me hunts for it constantly, argues it like a dog gnawing a bone. It’s not that I need a reason for his death. Something was wrong. His body stopped. My body let go. Placental abruption. Surgery. The end of the physical story, the beginning of the metaphysical one. What I want, what I know I can’t have, is an answer that tells me in clear, well-defined terms how to prevent this kind of pain from happening again.

There are as many ways to grieve as there are humans grieving. The decision I am the most grateful to have made this year was to allow grief to wash over and through me. To allow the fallout from Ben’s death to slow me down, open me up, reel me in. I gave myself permission to feel it, to turn grief over in my hands and examine it. I believe that stepping into grief will allow me to step into myself and I am doing my best to honor what comes up.

Four and a half months into this process it is more difficult to create the space for myself. The pain is not as intense, the sadness is no longer my constant companion. Life gets busy. I have found ways to commit to the process and I wish I could do  more. I resist my limitations and frustration mounts. Then I remember to turn in the direction of trust and know, on the deepest level I am aware of, that all is as it should be. All is well.

Then I remember that I know nothing, so I’d better enjoy the heck out of now.