Recently Ada has been telling people two things, I’m going to be a big sister, and When I’m a big sister I’m going to ride a bigger bike. She’s also taken to saying hello to random people. Occasionally she will tell a stranger, Our baby died. It’s a strange, heart breaking moment and I’m still not sure what to do when it happens. Usually I smile with a gentle, Yes, our baby died, and move on.

*****

In my meditation tonight I had a memory wash over me of the moment I began bleeding with my very first pregnancy. I had just visited a friend and her new son in the hospital. She’s due any moment with her second, another boy. I was 5 weeks behind her. I ended up 11 weeks ahead.

*****

It is easy to fall into resentment and complaint, into a battle of wills, into us against them. It’s human nature when we’re not getting what we want. Today at the park I found myself getting annoyed because it was gray and windy, I was cold, and Ada wasn’t ready to leave. We talked about it. I tried to explain why I was right and she was wrong. I’m sure that’s what it felt like to her. Finally I let go. I accepted the fact that it might be easiest to stay a little longer. The need to leave was in my head. I looked at the beautiful little girl making sand angels at my feet, delighting in the feeling of her body moving through space and thought, this moment, this child, this love, is all that matters.

*****

My mom’s new hip is healing well. It’s the rest of her body that’s struggling to find its footing. I am sending her as much healing energy as I can and trying not to fall apart with fear. Anyone who feels so moved, please send love, light, and prayers.