When she heard that Benjamin died, one of the amazing mamas here in Ventura ordered us a book called Tear Soup. It’s a lovely, gentle story about dealing with grief, with some helpful “cooking tips” at the end.

Here are a few tips that are resonating with me today:

* Grief is both physically and emotionally exhausting. It is also irrational and unpredictable and can shake your very foundation. (Irrational? Really? Me?)

* The object of grieving is not to get over the loss or recover from the loss but to get through the loss. (While holding on to a blue and yellow baby blanket like it’s my life line.)

* Over the years you will look back and discover that this grief keeps teaching you new things about life. Your understanding of life will just keep going deeper. (Though it’s hard to see the forest for the trees right now, this I believe with my whole heart.)

* Grief work takes time. Much longer than anyone wants it to. (Sigh)

I am grateful to have some time to myself today. I finally started to make my own Tear Soup.

*****

I looked into support groups this afternoon and came to the conclusion that since one of my irrational fears is that Ada will die, I don’t think I want to attend a group full of parents whose children have died.  The last thing I need are more potentially terrifying scenarios running through my head. I did realize last night though as I lay awake in the dark, that if I can open myself up to the fear, it leads me straight to grief and then I crack open enough to let the light in, just a little. Enough to close my eyes and sleep.

*****

In the last year, life has brought me new friends who have dealt with grief and birth trauma on both a personal and professional level. I don’t believe in coincidences. Perhaps it’s time to pick up the phone.