Dinner tonight was made and delivered by someone who had never met us. People are amazing and there is so much good in the world.

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No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. – C.S. Lewis

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When your parent dies, you’ve lost your past, but when your child dies, you’ve lost your future.

– from When Hello Means Goodbye: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Dies Before Birth, At Birth Or Shortly After Birth (given to us by the hospital)

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Ada cried so hard tonight, for so long I started to get scared. I have a huge capacity to hold space for her tears but these tears were so new, so raw, so like the tears I need to shed. I started to worry that she was in physical pain. When she could finally breathe enough to get out a word, she said no. All I could do was hold  her, stroke her hair, kiss her forehead, ask her to breathe deeply when she started to gag or hyperventilate. She finally asked to lie down and with her face buried in my arm, her hand on my chest, her breathing slowed and she fell asleep.

Then it was my turn, only I had to keep my tears quiet so as not to wake her.

I am so glad her daddy is on  his way home. We both need his presence, even if it’s only for a day.