I have much to say, much on my mind, much that is crying to get out, popping up in my meditation, beating in time to my heart. But we are getting up at 4am to head for Canada, to spend the week with my folks. Ada didn’t want to go to sleep she was so excited. She’s wearing the Big Sister shirt my mom bought for her this summer. It was to be a birthday gift.

I was going to pass it along to someone else until a friend who lost her first child, her son, at 28 weeks said, Let her wear it, she is a big sister. With that permission came a flood of tears and relief. We gave it to her on Ben’s due date – along with the Mr. Potato Head she’s been asking for. She chose it tonight to wear to bed and for our travel day tomorrow.  Watching her put it on broke my heart wide open.

Big sister.

Sometimes I try to imagine what my family, my childhood, would have been like if my younger brother had died before birth.

Impossible.

I am, and will always be, a big sister. I wonder if my daughter will ever feel that way.