I had a tough day today. Woke up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed. The worst part is I know it’s all in my head – the suffering anyway. The grief is real but the unhappiness, the frustration, the beating myself up – those are words flashing across the screen of my mind and me choosing to believe them, be affected by them…or not.
The fact that it was one of the most gorgeous days all year made it worse. I had a moment, washing dishes and looking out at the sand, where I thought, I don’t want to do this anymore. Then I panicked. Okay Universe or God or whoever is listening, I didn’t mean that – I want to be a mom, a wife, alive – all of it. I just want to be better at it. I want it to feel easier.
I have grown a lot this year. There have been many blessings. It’s also been indescribably hard. Now we’re moving – although we can’t seem to get a firm date – and I’m going through Ada’s baby clothes. I’m putting several big dreams on hold and watching relationships shift, grow, drop away. So much change. I am overwhelmed. And Benjamin’s due date is fast approaching.
There.
November 25th. Thanksgiving Day. It doesn’t matter that due dates are notoriously off and it’s likely he wouldn’t have been born that day had he lived. He didn’t.
Our son died.
Today, everything else is icing on the cake of my broken heart.
A hug from Amsterdam! Just keep breathing and you’ll know what to do….
Grief is hard especially when coupled with change – such as moving. I moved 3 months after losing Riley – was happy for a new place not tinted with grief. Now all I can hope for is this new place won’t be tinted with more grief then Peyton. Due dates are hard – a friend had her baby on Riley’s due date – even though I know Riley most likely would not have been born that day – the day itself was hard nonetheless. I wish everything were easier. I wish “hard” wasn’t a word in our emotional journey. I wish the journey did not exist… Much love to you… <3