We are home.

We came home to a clean apartment, cards, gifts and food. I cried.

Ada picked up her guitar and started singing, making up songs “for my little brother Mama”.

My mom arrived. She will be here for a week, then my father will take over until the end of the month. Steve is home for three days, then goes to Germany. I was afraid of that trip. Afraid that if something happened while he was away, he wouldn’t be able to get home fast enough. It’s happened though. Benjamin is gone.

My body is healing. I was able to turn on my side last night in bed. For three weeks I lay awake at night, trying to get comfortable, trying not to worry too much, and longing to lie on my back. Now the pain keeps me stuck there. I will be happy to sleep in my own bed again.

*****

I woke up early this morning and reached for my phone to check my email. Patti Digh’s 37 Days newsletter was there from yesterday. I haven’t been reading much of what comes into my inbox but decided to take a look. It was easier than thinking or feeling.

A link said simply “Wide Awake and Grieving”. I clicked. It took me here. Something in these words resonated so deeply with me. My grieving process is just beginning and I’m doing a pretty great job of holding it together but I feel deep inside the need to break wide open. It will come in time. It’s too scary right now.

*****

Mama, I always know when you’re crying.

I know you do, sweetheart. I know.