My little shining light daughter is a ball of emotions. She doesn’t want to play with her friends, she doesn’t want me out of her sight, she cries even more than usual. Walking with a close friend today, a friend who witnessed every step of my pregnancy, she announced, our baby died, as though it was news. After helping us sort through her too-small clothes yesterday she cried that she didn’t want to let them go. And while she is excited about the move, it’s another upheaval in her life. She’s been complaining of random stomach pain – always in the same place but never lasting more than a minute or two. We went to see the magician today and he found a knot of emotions right where she said it hurt. As a child I did battle with nausea and headaches and I remember my aha! moment when I learned those can be signs of emotional struggles or depression in children.

There are moments when I wonder at the reaches of the fallout from Ben’s death. I wonder how we will emerge on the other side of this first year. I wonder how deep the scars will be.

My sweet girl, I am so sorry your brother died and you are in the midst of all this grief. Remember how loved you are. Always. You are safe. You are loved. You are whole. Let the tears flow and keep shining your light.