I’ve been a bit lost since the retreat ended. For many months after Benjamin died, my only goal was to get through the day and stay connected to my heart, my grief, my family. There was a purity to that existence, a rawness that comes when the world stands on its head. I began the slow climb out of the hole I had dug myself into in my twenties and early thirties. The hole that came from never measuring up, never being enough, never doing enough. The hole that I knew I wanted to move out of when my daughter was born, so I didn’t pass that kind of living along.
Day after day passed, I wrote, I danced, I sobbed and laughed and grew. The world shifted again and I was ready to begin stepping out into it as myself – the new-old me. The one who came into the world knowing, but then forgot and has begun to remember what I’m here for. Picking Up the Pieces was born – the guide, then the retreat. For five months my focus was intense, even as I continued to grieve and heal and live my life.
Then it was over.
Space opened up and I fell in. I am still processing what happened. I continue to write about the retreat, recording moments and thoughts to help with the next one, and the one after that. I’ve put down on paper everything I want to do, simply to get it out of my head. My husband and child are ready for more of my attention. My days have been full and somehow, I’ve fallen back into feeling like there’s not enough time, despite having more of it to play with.
I am being kind to myself.
This is a new practice for me – a gift from Benjamin. I’ve instituted a daily sacred hour of power – 20 minutes of meditation, 20 minutes of writing, 20 minutes of moving my body. If nothing else I know doing those three things will keep me connected to myself. I’m allowing the void to be there, this place of not knowing exactly what’s next, of where my focus needs to be. I have three or four projects that are on my hot list and I’m asking for guidance, waiting for clarity. It’s both uncomfortable and peaceful. I feel empty and full. I am immensely grateful for my life.
Where are you right now? Are you in hot pursuit of a goal or floating gently in the void? Are you empty or are you full? How are you taking care of your heart?
An hour? Each day? You are truly blessed….
Empty vs. full – I guess I’m both at the same time. Go for no oppositions, as KMM would say 🙂 I try to squeeze in a couple of minutes of meditation each day, knowing that it isn’t the quantity that counts. But I do envy your 60 mins a day!
I am taking care of my heart by taking it day by day; by changing little things that ultimately amount to bigger things; by being more engaged, more involved and more present in relationships and pursuits that are important to me. It’s working.
Oh. My. Goodness. I feel as though every word you’ve written here describes EXACTLY how I felt while struggling through the first six months after being diagnosed with depression. It’s almost eery how specifically you describe it. This learning to live with the new, and yet also the old. And how old patterns still come back to haunt and lure us. The point is, it’s constant work, whatever we are working at. And that is what I’m learning. Truly, this post kind of rocked me a bit.
xo
Today… empty….I woke up this morning crying & can’t stop. 8 months today since we lost Jackson. We (hubby & I) have decided life is to important & that his work was getting in the way. He quit his job…gave 5 months notice. Finished on Sept 9th.
We are now spending time together & will determine what’s next together.
Thinking of you. xo
You are so wise. How much do I love the sacred hour of power?????
My Buddhist friend once told me that when you aren’t sure what to do, doing nothing is your best bet. It’s very hard to meet a goal – the emptiness follows.
I am sad to say I haven’t been taking care of my heart these last 2 months. But I am starting to again, thanks to your posts:) xoxo
What a wise, wise thing to do, that hour of self care and love. Sending you big hugs!
I like the idea of being both.
Of being empty and full at the same time.
Of blessed and stressed.
There is something growth worthy in being able to be both and to being comfortable in either simultaneously.
I love the gentle energy and hope in the post, it feels so good…
i think i am gonna have to steal away a sacred hour of power. it will do me good. today i danced for a moment. and then the music carried me through and then nudged me to keep on moving because it felt good. i remembered. i am feeling stretched, but i am also feeling like i am floating in a void of sorts, at the same time.