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The Alphabet of Now: Dec 31st version

December 31, 2015 By Alana

I was first introduced to The Alphabet of Now by one of my favorite bloggers, Lindsey Mead of A Design So Vast. It’s a fun way to take a snapshot of life, especially as we turn the page from one year to the next.

I’d love it if you joined me. Feel free to post your answers in the comments, or a link to your blog post if you write one. If you share on Facebook, please tag me so I can read it.

Wishing you a magical end to 2015 and may your new year be exactly what you need.

A: Ada, always. She is the light of my life and watching her grow is pure delight. She challenges me, teaches me, moves me. That she is in my life at all reminds me that each of us is a miracle.

B: Brother. We just came back from a week with my brother and his family. He is ridiculously smart, hilariously funny and always broadens my perspective on the world. I don’t see him often but I’m always grateful when our families get to spend time together.

C: Cozy. I’m craving coziness these days – whether it’s the warmth of my winter jacket against the chill in the air (yes, even here in California) or cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie with my two favorite people. Cozy is something I want more of in 2016 because to me, it also implies that there is time to enjoy and appreciate it.

D: Devotion. My word for 2016. It’s become a mantra that beats in time with my heart and is pulling me forward into this new year. Delicious was a close second for word of the year. I might have to spend some time devoted to delicious in 2016.

E: Excellence. When WebTalkRadio invited me to host a podcast, they provided me with a seasoned and very talented coach. She has been integral to the success of the podcast this year and she keeps pushing me toward excellence (without perfectionism). I am deeply grateful for her support.

F: Food. This fall we hired a personal chef (a single mama from our daughter’s school) to cook two meals a week for us. My husband is on the road so much that when it came to dinners, I found myself throwing together what I could as quickly as I could and it became very unsatisfying. It wasn’t terribly healthy either. It felt ridiculous at first because in my head, I knew I “should” be able to make a healthy meal every night. It was such a huge gift though, to have delicious food in the fridge and we’re actually saving money on take out and wasting less food.

G: Gratitude. It’s such a part of my life and my daily practice. I am always saying thank you and I could say it even more, especially to the people in my closest circles who do so much to make my life magical.

H: Happiness. I love my life and sometimes I fall into a trough of shoulds and end up carrying what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m re-evaluating what’s on my plate and making a few changes so there’s more room for quiet afternoons, snuggles on the couch, visits or phone calls with friends and all the other things that make me happy.

I: Intentions. I don’t do goals or resolutions at the new year, but I do have clear intentions for my life and the direction I’m heading. I’m sitting with those today and wondering what 2016 will bring.

J: Joy. I’m saying yes to more joy this year. Every year. I think it’s always good to expand one’s capacity to experience joy.

K: Kindness. I remember realizing several years ago how my expectations of people, even strangers, affected my interactions with them. Because I expect people to be kind, they usually are. It makes life much easier and less stressful. And when people aren’t kind, I do my best to see them with compassionate eyes, even if those eyes are momentarily looking through a haze of anger.

L: Love. Laughter. Leggings. Because the first is fundamental to my world view, the second to my well being and the third to my comfort. ‘Nuff said.

M: Magic. I’ve long been a believer in the magic and mystery of the universe. The deeper I dive into it, the more magic shows up in my life.

N: Naturopath. I started seeing a naturopath a few months ago and she uncovered some health issues that I’d been feeling but no one else had been able to make sense of. I’m hopeful that working with her will finally ease some of the challenges I’ve experienced the last few years.

O: Ocean. Living near the ocean sustains me in so many ways. I breathe more deeply at her shore. I continue to be immeasurably grateful for her gifts, even as she scares me sometimes with her power. The beach is often my office and it’s where I go when I need perspective, answers and strength. And the sunsets remind me of all that is good and right in the world.

P: Practice. I’m deepening my devotion to my personal and spiritual practices and I can feel the positive effects in tangible and intangible ways. Practice is powerful. Practice is what leads to mastery.

Q: Questions. I realized at one point this year that I don’t ask enough questions of myself, of others, of life. I’m reigniting my curiosity and remembering that there is no dumb question if sincerely asked. It helps me stay in touch with my beginner’s mind and reminds me there’s always more to learn.

R: Reading. Reading has always been one of my greatest passions and there’s so little time for it in this full life of work and parenting and partnering. I’m doing my best to add it in where I can, even if that means listening to a book on tape in bits and pieces or having three books on the go that I can pick up and put down as necessary. (P.S. Have any favorites to recommend?)

S: Strength. I started exercising in new ways this year, in modified cross-fit or boot-camp style classes that I alternately hate and mildly dislike. Normally I dance, do yoga, walk or hike (and I still do those) but I got a little addicted to how much stronger my body felt from these workouts. I’m actually starting to enjoy them. Sometimes they’re too much and I don’t go – I can only push my body so far right now. There’s something about the discipline and focus that it takes to get through them that reminds of the ballet classes of my youth. And the drive to actually see my tricep muscles and do a full push up are fun motivators right now.

T: Trust. Always. Learning. Deepening. My life lesson is slowly becoming one of my superpowers.

U: Unknown. Even though I have dreams and desires I’m working toward, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a vast unknown. I have a feeling this next year is going to bring some big challenges and even bigger gifts (like every year does). So here I stand, wings spread, ready to soar into the next chapter of this great adventure.

V: Violence and Vrai. As I contemplated the letter V, these are the two words I couldn’t shake. Violence because the world seems filled with it right now and vrai – French for true – because we all have to find what’s true for us in the midst of it. I refuse to live in fear and I acknowledge that fear lives in me. I see the violence and hold onto the belief that there are enough of us who wish to make the world a better, safer, kinder place that we will eventually reach a tipping point. I have to find my true place in the balance of darkness and light, of observation and action. So do you, n’est-ce pas?

W: Wishes. I have big wishes this year – for me, for those I love, for the world at large. I’m blowing dandelions and eyelashes and birthday candles and wishing on stars. And then I’m letting go, trusting that they’ll land where they need to.

X: (E)Xplore. At the urging of Jena and Cigdem over at The Inky Path, I’ve chosen Exploration as my writing word for 2016. I want to be more present here on the blog and the only way I can do that is to give myself time and space to write badly and explore the things I want to say privately first. The pressure to publish has kept me feeling stuck recently (along with much of my focus going to the podcast and client work). Writing feels as necessary as breathing to me, and yet it’s one of the first ways I shut myself down. This is the year of putting freedom back into my written words so I can find my way back to the practice of writing, the way back to that piece of my soul that feels lost and abandoned without it.

Y: Yes. I’m practicing saying yes again this year thanks to my friend Kiran over at Mystic Girl in the City. This means more discernment, more saying no, more space to feel whether something is really a yes before the word is voiced. I’m practicing a true yes, not an obligated yes or a thoughtless yes but a deep, delicious yes. This is a very real and sometimes painful challenge, but when I allow myself to focus on it, the magic increases a hundredfold.

Z: Zzzzzzz’s. I’m still working on getting enough sleep, particularly since I’m getting up earlier to create space for my practices before the day begins. Years of not enough rest have caught up to me (along with those previously mentioned health issues) and sleep has become even more important. I don’t regret the years of sleep-deprivation when my daughter was young and I’m doing my best to counter their effects now.

What’s your Alphabet of Now? I’d love to know.

This week on the podcast: Making space for ourselves with Mara Glatzel

December 10, 2015 By Alana

When I read what Mara Glatzel posts on Facebook I always take a deep breath and find myself whispering, yes. She oozes kindness, self-compassion and permission to just. be. you. And you can tell she practices what she preaches. All the time.

Congruency and integrity are awesome.

An intuitive guide, energy healer and wild celebrator of the sacred mundane, Mara shares kind, gentle wisdom on nourishing our hearts, opening to joy and giving ourselves the space we need to feel fully present in our lives.

She just launched her beautiful new Daily Tending Divination Deck – the perfect holiday gift for someone you love (and it’s totally acceptable if that someone is you).

Click here to listen on WebTalkRadio
Click here to listen on iTunes

P.S. Please remember to be kind to yourself – and those around you – as you move through this intensely beautiful and often deeply stressful season. 

Listen

September 4, 2015 By Alana

Listen

When the still, small voice inside whispers…listen.

When it wakes you in the middle of the night and tells you to check on the cat, listen.

When it reminds you to trust even though your mind is knotted with fear, listen.

When it says YES! though you’re thinking No; when it whispers no though you’re thinking Sure, why not?, listen.

When it tells you to rest, or play, or dance, or GET OUT! NOW! Listen.

The more you listen, the more it speaks and the louder it gets. That voice – the one that speaks lovingly to you, the one that believes you are worthy of it all, the one that feels like truth – that voice will get louder and listening to it will change your life.

Shhhh…Take a deep breath and turn inward. What is it telling you right now?

All the love (rest in peace sweet kitty)

August 30, 2015 By Alana

Squirt CU
Squirt ~ July 1999 – August 2015

We found each other my first 24 hours in California. He was 3 months old. A stray that had been rescued by the woman who was taking care of my new roommate’s cat. I was 27, arriving in Los Angeles with big dreams and stars in my eyes.

It was love at first sight.

I had no intention of getting a cat. But I was lonely. LA was a big place and I knew two people – sort of. My roommate (we were both ex-girlfriends of my first love), and my cousin’s college friend, who I’d met twice. Kitty came home with me.

I had a hard time naming him but he was such a little guy, he ended up being Squirt. Squirty for short. 😉

16 years we spent together. He was there for all the big moments in my adult life.

He was there when I was drugged in a local bar and blacked out for the first and only time in my life. (Thankfully a friend had walked me home and though the aftereffects were horrid, things could have been so much worse).

He was there when my roommate got drunk and decided to tell me what a horrible, lazy person I was. That none of her friends like me. That not even our mutual ex-boyfriend liked me anymore. I stood there, stunned, for 20 minutes before realizing I didn’t have to keep listening. I gave her my notice, went into my room and shut the door, crying into Squirt’s soft fur.

He was there when I moved into a little studio bungalow of my own. He kept me awake nights, attacking the mirror or being chased by his new brother, TC, who’d shown up on moving day.

He was there when I fell in love with a cheating, cocaine-snorting Hollywood writer-producer and had my heart broken. He was there when the friend who’d been secretly in love with me found out I was dating someone else and spent the night on my doorstep, waiting for me to come home. He was there when my best friend and I decorated the entire place with waxed paper snowflakes, strung from the high ceilings. He was there when I got a phone call to turn on the TV and sat there shaking, watching the news on September 11.

He was there when I met my husband, when we bought our home, when we fought over how much stuff I had. He put up with the new dog and discovered cat heaven in the bushes and trees of our hillside getaway. He was there for that first Christmas when all our friends brought an ornament to decorate the tree in our new front room. (Those ornaments still go on the tree every year, though I think we broke the Christmas pickle).

He was there – though mostly hidden – when our house was full of laughter and wedding preparations and he purred next to me on the couch as I wrote paper after paper for grad school.

He was there when we cried over the first miscarriage and when we brought our beautiful daughter home. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of her and spent his life being slightly terrified, though when she cried, he always came to check on her.

He was traumatized by our move to Ventura, going from the safety of a wooded lot to the barren, sun bleached sand of the beach. It was only as his life was almost over that he seemed truly comfortable again outside. Maybe he was just too old to be afraid anymore.

He was there through the next miscarriage and the grief of stillbirth. He purred in our laps as we watched Ada grow up. Quiet, gentle and sweet, he got quietly sick numerous times. First with kidney stones, then diabetes (which he reversed and recovered from in record time) and finally cancer.

A week ago I realized he was skin and bones. The vet found a mass in his belly they hadn’t detected six weeks earlier when he was in to have a tooth pulled.

Tuesday we saw the other vet. The one who helped reverse his diabetes. The one who saw him for the first time her second day at the clinic six years prior. The one who had a vested interest in his survival and a big love for his sweet soul.

We decided not to intervene.

I took him home and stroked his belly, listening for his now-faint purr. I fed him treats and baby food. I told him how much I loved him. I asked him to make it clear when he was ready to go.

Wednesday morning I thought he might last a few days longer. He was eating and talking a little bit more. Then at lunch I found him hiding behind the recycling can, his breathing labored and raspy. I looked into his eyes and I knew.

He gave us the sweetest gift before he left us. Lying on the bed with Ada, he reached out and did this.

There is only love.
There is only love.

After spending 8 years running from her, he let us both know that underneath it all, there was only love.

Before he died I told him he could come visit anytime. However he wanted to. And then he was gone.

Friday a young dragonfly flew into the house and hovered near me, landing on the door before flying back out. I felt Squirt’s presence and cried.

Twice since he died I’ve had the opportunity to communicate with cats. Once for a client and once for a Facebook friend whose cat went missing. I don’t do much animal communication so the synchronicity is not lost on me.

I miss his sweet face and personality very much. I also believe I have a new spirit ally in my work.

Even in loss there can be magic.

 

Squirt mama
I love you Squirt.

 

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