I have a sick child at home today and am still recovering from the-cold-that-will-not-end. Plans have been thrown out the window and this week’s mantra is now simply, Breathe, Stay Present, Look for the Gifts.

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Walking Home: A Pilgrimage from Humbled to Healed
by Sonia Choquette

I loved Cheryl Strayed’s Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail so when I saw that Sonia Choquette had a new book with a similar theme, I grabbed it for two reasons.  Sonia is a world class intuitive and spiritual teacher whose memoir, Diary of a Psychic, was one of the first books I read when my intuitive abilities started to open up. Though my path is very different than hers, in reading her story I felt like I’d found a mentor. The second reason was that I was fascinated at how someone who was hugely successful in the spiritual world had a personal life that was such a hot mess.

Exhausted and in emotional pain over the ending of numerous relationships, including her marriage, Sonia feels called to walk the ancient pilgrimage route of the Camino de Santiago across France and Spain. The book is a composite of the daily details of her walk – what she ate, what her hostels were like, who she befriended and what happened to her toes – and her emotional releases and spiritual realizations.

She talks of being shamed for her feelings by her parents, the nuns at her Catholic school and by spiritual teachers. I have railed against this for years. The “spiritual bypass” is deeply harmful and the only way through our difficult feelings is to experience them fully so they can be released. This might seem obvious but with the popularity of (distorted) Law of Attraction ideas, and “just think positive thoughts” bull-poopy alongside cultural conditioning such as “good girls don’t get angry” or “boys don’t cry” so many people feel horrible about feeling horrible.

The magic of the Camino finally allows Sonia to release her pain and the healing she experiences is so profound the skeptic in me raised an eyebrow. In all fairness she does wonder if she’ll be able to hold on to the peace and forgiveness she feels once she leaves the sacred space of the Camino, but clearly she is deeply and forever changed.

She is also realistic about what it will take to return to her life. I loved this section on ego:

I had no illusions that I was done with my ego. I knew it would, again and again, try to run my life, as I was only human. I knew it would flare up when I was tired or feeling insecure, or felt afraid to be seen. Only now, I knew how to tame it. There was only one way. I had to love myself fully and conditionally. I had to have compassion for myself and be sensitive and responsive to my authentic needs. I had to pray daily for guidance and give myself the time and space to nurture my spirit and enjoy my life. I had to stay present in the moment and not leap into the future or fall back into the past. That was a tall order, but I knew it would bring me peace.

I also needed to stop seeing my ego as “the enemy” and start seeing it was the “me” who needed more love. I didn’t have to fight my ego when it flared up in pain. I needed to soothe and calm my ego, handing it over to the care of my spirit and to God to quiet down and reassure.

This is so lovely. We can’t be human and not have egos (despite what some spiritual teachers try to tell us) but we can be less driven by them. And that is what brings greater peace and joy into our lives. Deep breath. Yes.

Sonia’s writing is honest and engaging. I don’t know that many people of her stature in the spiritual world would write so candidly about their personal and emotional struggles. It’s a lovely reminder that we are all human (and not to be placed on pedestals) and that we all have our particular lessons to learn. Because she is so warm and open, after finishing I immediately downloaded samples of several of her other books. I feel like I can trust her because she doesn’t pretend to be perfect or have it all figured out.

I’ve also added several other books on the Camino to my wish list. Unlike Wild, where I thoroughly enjoyed myself but had no interest in hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, I can feel a little internal tug to walk the Camino myself one day. I guess we’ll see what the future brings.

Walking Home: A Pilgrimage from Humbled to Healed is a fascinating glimpse into the healing power of the Camino de Santiago and the magic, mess and wisdom of the human mind and heart.

I had my business credit card numbers stolen recently. Someone Ubered around LA and ordered $75 dollars worth of takeout.

After the initial surprise of the discovery wore off and I’d called the bank to report the charges, I sat there wondering about how it feels to be someone who commits a crime, and how underneath the joyride feeling of getting away with something, there’s got to be a deep sense of not okay-ness. Of missing something or needing something or wanting something that you don’t know how to get any other way.

And my thoughts turned to a prayer of forgiveness and a wish for them. May you find what you’re looking for, what you need. May you be given the lessons that allow you to fill the hole in a way that serves others instead of taking away from others. May you find happiness. May your inner light shine.

May you find what you’re looking for.

I whisper this prayer to a woman I know who is desperately searching for herself and whose actions in that pursuit tug on old stories in me.

I send it out to our political leaders who are making decisions based on hatred and fear.

I say it silently to myself when I’m staring into the cupboard, knowing that what I need can’t be found in food.

It’s my simplified, on-the-go version of the loving-kindness prayer, and it feels so much better than hanging on to anger.

I invite you to say it with me this week. Come up with your own version or do the full loving-kindness meditation. The important thing is to make it work for you.

Today, be kind to yourself.

Today, be kind to those around you.

Be kind in your thoughts, words and actions.

It takes a little effort at first, some awareness, conscious choices. But it gets easier.

Today, be kind. From your heart.

You might just change a life.

It could be your own.

 

I’ve said it before and I’ll likely say it again – knowing what you want is vital to your well being. What you want to do, who you want to be, what you want to have.

What do you want to do in this moment? And in the next? And the next?

You might not be able to act on it –  you might not want to act on it – your therapist might have told you specifically not to act on it – but it’s still important to know.

This morning I wanted to sleep in until 6:15am, so I did.

I wanted to sit for a moment with my tea and eat a rich, delicious grain-free muffin with dark chocolate bits that a friend gave me yesterday, so I did.

I wanted to eat another muffin, but I didn’t.

I wanted to do my yoga and meditation, then write to you, so I did and I am. (In between I ended up with more tea and another muffin because I still wanted one and I knew I could enjoy it, without punishing myself afterward.)

Sometimes wants change. Sometimes I have to reframe my to-do list to a want-to list. Sometimes I don’t get what I want.

But checking in with myself and asking the question in the little moments add up to me being the woman I want to be and having the life I want to have. Baby steps eventually become the big picture.

What do you want, right now, today? What baby step can you take toward giving it to yourself?