Yesterday Ada wanted to buy new sunglasses, For when I’m a big sister.

Yesterday we watched one of our neighbors with his almost-two-year-old son walking hand in hand toward us on the beach. Holding the little boy’s other hand was Ada. My breath caught in my chest. Steve hung his head.

Yesterday I looked at pictures of my brother’s second little girl. The one that was born not long after Ben died. She looks like him, like our mother too. To see her as a baby was one thing. To be confronted with the fact that she is growing up – and our son will not – is quite another.

Today I felt disconnected and defensive and a little off. As I write these words, I no longer wonder why.

I went to a Buddhist meditation and talk the other night. One of our new neighbors is turning up quite regularly in our lives. We’ve been at two different grocery stores at the same time this past week. In line, as I chatted with the man behind the counter about meditation and yoga and my 1000 day practice, she mentioned her group meets weekly. I decided to go. Both Steve and I have want to get more involved in our community this year and this was a step in that direction.

I walked in two minutes late for the meditation. Apparently things start on time here in Ventura – unlike Los Angeles where everything (and everyone) is chronically 10 minutes behind. At the end of the half hour we stood for a few minutes, grabbed tea, then talked of suffering. I spoke of my experience with grief. Of how amazed I have been that despite the sadness, and in my worst moments, there has been a profound sense of okayness. There has been grief, but little suffering. I don’t know if that comes across in what I write but it’s there. My mind has stayed surprisingly quiet, even as my heart broke.

It was interesting to notice who in the group I was drawn to, whose energy attracted me. I’ve always been sensitive to this but I no longer question it the way I used to. I trust that if the answers never seem clear, there are reasons that some people draw me in more than others. I know, after years of wondering, that these people are my tribe – that you are my tribe. There are reasons we come together, we read each others’ words at the right moment, we risk writing – or speaking – from the heart when the mind says Shut up! Be afraid! Stay safe!

I watch people drawn into my daughter’s orbit. I notice who pulls me inexorably closer. I think of the butterfly’s wings. I remember the morning of September 11, 2001 when I felt such a deep sense of foreboding, I wondered if an earthquake was coming. We are all energy. We are all connected. Somehow. Some way. I am deeply committed to that belief. The polar bear mama who swam for 9 days to find ice? Who lost her cub in the process? I am connected to her. The child who was just told for the one hundredth time to stop shining so brightly (be quiet, sit down, do as your told, don’t inconvenience me with your needs) – I am connected to him. To you. I am connected to you. If you are here, if this email is in your inbox, if you have no idea I exist. We are fundamentally tied.

And I wish you peace. And love. And I wish for you, with my whole heart, that you feel the undeniably brilliant spark of who you are.

Alongside all the inner work, we’ve been consciously shifting the energy in our external space. We moved into a home that had previous tenants with bad energy, but it was essentially gutted and redone for us. I am grateful for the new counter tops, new appliances, new paint, flooring and carpet. I am grateful for the sound of the ocean and the sand and succulents in the lot next to us, letting the sun shine in.

The biggest stumbling block is my clutter habit. The first fight Steve and I ever had was about my stuff. I have been slowly letting go over the last years. Two moves have helped. When we moved from Los Angeles, I said goodbye to boxes I’d been carting around for 15 years. We purged again last fall and axed the storage unit and shed. I still hold on to more than I need, but I’ve learned to be both honest and compassionate with myself on this subject. We are taking our time organizing this new home with the ultimate goal of clean surfaces. I am a master piler. I could have an advanced degree in it. I can find pieces of paper long ago shoved into a stack as long as no one else touches it. Problem is, I hate piles. I hate clutter. Particularly since Ben’s death, I have no tolerance for it. I want to be able to breathe and clutter makes me hyperventilate. Healing inside has made me want to heal everything. I’ve begun to realize how intensely the energy of a room affects me.

Our bedroom was driving me crazy.

My sister-friend has a MA in Architecture and does wonders with interiors. She is usually my go-to person for design issues. She’s currently busy being mama to her two boys and cutting all packaging out of her family’s life (Seriously – I bow to her). When she starts blogging again I will introduce you because she’s smart, funny and incredibly committed to greening the world.

In the meantime, I read an article about Erin Ellwood, The Lone Arranger. It purported that she would come in and rearrange/redesign a room for $100.

What?

Erin has an impressive history in production design in Los Angeles. The commercial that pops up when you go to that part of her site is for Kraft, featuring Michelle Kwan. This woman is serious. And she’ll come download her ideas and move your furniture around for $100. You can spend a lot more on her if you want your whole house redone, or more hand-holding, but she’ll sweep through two or three rooms in your home for that price per room. For a designer of her caliber, that’s ridiculously affordable.

I emailed. She responded. Yesterday was the day. I had sent her pictures of our bedroom, laughing openly about how awful it looked. Her reply? Yep – looks like you need some help. Funny lady.

By the time she left, we had a plan, the room felt better and I was inspired to keep working. She’s since sent me more ideas for furniture and textiles that I am drooling over. We are putting together a peaceful, healing space. She’d read some of the blog before she arrived, so I didn’t need to explain. Apparently she’s funny and smart. And I enjoyed her company. When we finish, I’ll post some before and after pics. It’s gonna look – and feel – gooooood.

In the meantime, if you’re in Los Angeles, Ventura or Santa Barbara counties and your home needs anything from a pick-me-up to a total makeover, give The Lone Arranger a call. It will be money well spent.

In my meditations recently I’ve been caught up in frustration. Old, unwanted thoughts and feelings have been surfacing and dragging me back underwater. I’ve been unhappy during the day without understanding why. Three steps forward. Two steps back.

Last night the thought came – Children often appear to regress right before a developmental leap. Oh. Maybe that’s what’s happening with me. I can feel an energetic shift coming. It’s happening in fits and starts right now. I am sensing clarity right around the corner. I catch a glimpse. I can taste freedom, connection, alignment for a second and then it’s gone. I want to rush ahead, see what’s coming, be there already, wherever there is. Then I take a breath, remember to trust and in the words of Abraham, I feel gratitude for what is and eagerness for what is to come.

*****

On a somewhat related note, I have been struggling with the news lately. I don’t read it or watch it but I do get emails from several organizations that send shudders up my spine. The fact that a 78 year old woman is receiving death threats and can no longer live alone because Glen Beck has her pegged as a public enemy for something she wrote in the 1960’s makes me want to throw up rage give up cry. As I was shaking my head and feeling hopeless, Steve asked me what I was going to do with the information.

His question stayed with me all day.

By evening I’d made a decision. I joined the Global Reiki Healing Network. I can’t stop the hate directly, but I can join others in focusing on healing and peace, privately and in community. It is the Season for Nonviolence after all. Not that you’d know it.

Sigh.

What do you do when the state of the world gets you down? How do you renew your faith in humanity? How are you a force for good in the world?