When you know you can’t be pregnant, you don’t want to be pregnant, you are still recovering from being pregnant and your heart is broken, having extreme exhaustion manifest as pregnancy symptoms is a cruel turn of events.

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Reverb10. Day 5.

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (from Alice Bradley, author of Let’s Panic About Babies).

This year I let go of the hope that my son would be born alive. I let go of believing I was in control of my life. I let go of my need to do everything myself and I began asking for help.

I am still letting go, moment by moment, of the fear that engulfs me now when night falls. I am letting go of who I was before this year – before the miscarriage, the broken leg, the stillbirth, the rending of my soul into pieces. I am letting go of habits and beliefs that no longer serve me, of some that have never served but that I have clung to tenaciously, such as, I am not enough. I am letting go of the need to have things done my way, of the desire to beat myself to a pulp for my imperfections, of the compulsion to say yes when inside I’m screaming, No!

I am letting go of objects, weight, meanings, attachments and the book club I founded six years ago. I am letting go of things that I want to hold on to. But I know that in order to fully step into myself, I need to release them, to simplify, to create space for what’s new.

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Reverb10. December 6.

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (from Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project)

Most of what I make these days has to do with a certain 3 year old, which is a blast. Lately I’ve been hearing whispers coming from deep inside that I need to work with my hands, to create in a crafty way I’ve never done before. I’m intimidated and my insecurities rush like blood to my cheeks when I think about outcomes and results. Even so, I am listening.

Last week I made a simple stamped ornament for another baby lost family whose son died after what I can only imagine was a devastating two days. I’ll be putting that in the mail tomorrow, sending love with my mediocre handiwork. The ever-inspiring fairy godmother wholly jeanne suggested I make a legacy cloth when I wrote here about getting rid of baby clothes. She’s promised me it’s a low-pressure, as-long-as-it-takes kind of project. She’s promised to hold my hand. I’m going to hold her to those promises.

I’ve also been craving all things felt. When I think of felt, I think grade school art projects but oh my, have you seen what’s happening on etsy? Felt is amazing – or rather, what people do with it who know what they’re doing, is amazing. I want to give it a shot and I’m ready to be humble. We’ve set up an art and craft table in the new house. In 2011 I hope to find myself there, working with my hands, feeding the cravings, and watching what unfolds.