I heard this morning that my friend had the VBAC she wanted and delivered a beautiful healthy baby boy – her second. When I got the text, I felt only great joy for her. The grief hit me later, after going through our baby clothes in storage, after seeing the news via email for the second time.

This afternoon Ada asked me to get into the bath with her. I couldn’t. The thought of water touching my skin made me feel I might shatter into a million pieces, or melt into a river of tears. I couldn’t do it – not then.

I have more tears to cry. They will come. Tears of joy for my friend and her strength, her new love. Tears of grief for my son, for myself, for the dreams I dreamed, for what might have been.