Sadness and celebration

Sitting in my daughter’s room with her this afternoon, looking at her bookshelf, I noticed my copy of Tear Soup. I lay it on my lap and reread it while she played, then we looked at the pictures together as I explained the story. I couldn’t read the words out loud. Tears choked my throat.

At almost six months after Ben’s death, reading this lovely book was a different experience than when it first arrived at my door. I have more perspective on grief now. The brutally hard work – the sobbing every day work – of making my own tear soup is largely done.

The sadness I felt stemmed from perspective too. Realizing who has been there for me the last six months, and who has not. Knowing how many others have begun their own soup. Realizing I’ve turned off the stove these last few days but it should be on simmer. When the intensity subsides and the sun comes out, it’s easy to want to put grief away. But it still needs an ear, needs a place in my awareness, needs to be held softly in my heart.

I am sad tonight too as I remember my cousin’s young niece, Jaimie, who died last year on January 16, after losing her fight with cancer. Today is my friend Jamie’s birthday. Weird name thing, I know. She died suddenly on Mother’s Day, 2009 and I know her family and many friends are both mourning and celebrating today. The eloquent Emma at PleasureNotes wrote about Jamie here, shortly after her death, and here, on its first anniversary. On this night last year, I felt the first little spirit we had conceived leave my body. In rereading what I wrote then, I am brought to my knees once more by the events that Alana had yet to experience. I am reeling with the news from a new friend that her world was turned upside down this afternoon by a shocking diagnosis. My heart aches for her, for her family, and what is to come. At the same time, I see hope flutter by on purple and gold wings.

Listening to my daughter’s hysterical laughter as she played with her dad before bed, I was overcome by wonder, by a deep awe for life, and by a sense of celebration.

This is life.

Right now, somewhere, someone is dying. Right now, somewhere, there are babies being born. Right now someone is coming to terms with illness and someone else is rediscovering health. Right now, a man and woman are falling in love. Right now, another couple have one foot out of their relationship’s door. Right now a young child is crying and being comforted, while another child’s cries go unheeded and she learns the world is not safe. Right now a family is huddled in a refugee tent, cold, exhausted, and afraid and another family halfway around the world plays games in front of a roaring fire.

Right now.

This is life.

In all its sadness and celebration.

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0 Responses to Sadness and celebration

  1. Jill says:

    Stunning. I’m not sure how to convey reverent and loving silence in a comment box. Thank you for continuing to share your journey.

  2. holly says:

    Such truth, Alana.

  3. thinking of you. beautifully written

  4. JessicAran says:

    Funny that today, I found your christmas card in a bag of “clean out the van” stuff… unopened. As Aran wasn’t with me when I retrieved it. We make a point of opening holiday cards together. Well, the holidays are over, so I figured it didn’t deserve to wait through another round of “clean the van,” before reading. What a mini-feast. It was beautiful and painful at the same. I felt that there should be a little angel in the upperhand corner holding a B or a star or something. Well, he was there to me. But next moment was caught up in witnessing the harmony, the union, the bliss of the three adorably rendered heart and soul. Your committed path as a family to be just that – a family became my exhale. My resolve to believe it all happens… blah blah blah. I see sand in your toes, wind in everyone’s hair – dark, saltn’pepper and honey blonde.
    I love you Alana. I love knowing someone unveiled in this world that makes it easier to masquerade.
    I’m holding a hug and cup of tea in my back pocket for our nearby future.
    Luv J-

  5. Stereo says:

    I’m speechless. This touched me on so many levels. As always, Alana, your words are beautiful and resonate long after I have finished reading. Much love to you and yours.

  6. Pingback: Leaping | Life After Benjamin

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