From the archives: What’s his name again Mama?

[While I’m on creative sabbatical through the end of the year, I’m pulling some of the most popular posts from the archives and sharing them again. With October being a month to honor and bring awareness to pregnancy and infant loss, I’ve chosen some of the writing from the first year after Benjamin’s stillbirth. These posts bring tears to my eyes, because of course, three years later, I’ve forgotten what those early days were like. This is why I blogged through my grief – I wanted to capture the moments that vanish into the fog of memory. I wanted to always remember how devastating it was to lose my son.]

Ada and I have been having these lovely conversations before bed the last few nights. We talk about all sorts of things. She usually says something about the baby or her brother. Last night she wanted to be reminded of his name.

His name is Benjamin, sweetheart. Or you could call him Ben, or Benji.

She smiles. Where is he now Mama?

His body died my sweet, but his spirit, the part inside each of us that makes us who we are, his spirit is watching over us, taking care of us.

She smiles again. He’s in our hearts Mama.

Yes, he is. He’s in our hearts forever.

An angel. She knows this from the book the hospital gave us for her.

I nod. An angel. You can talk to him if you want to.

I don’t want to.

Okay sweetheart, you don’t have to.

Mama, what’s my brother’s name again?

Benjamin, I smile. Or you can call him Ben or Benji.

P.S. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you’d like, you can light a candle at 7pm wherever you are in the world, to add to the wave of light honoring the sweet souls that could only touch life for a moment before leaving again.

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