On December 1st, I chose the word I wanted to embody this new year – ease. On December 31st, as I have for the last few years, I added several more. Last year, I prettied them up and stuck them on the kitchen wall. Those words brought me back from the brink of despair more than once. Those words helped me breathe more deeply, they reconnected me with myself, they pulled me out of my head and back into the moment. Through hope and heartbreak, those words kept me firmly anchored to the way I wanted to walk through my life. I fell in love with those words.
When we moved I took them down and I’ve missed them. I haven’t put my new words up on the wall yet. It will be one of the first things I do when we return home from our week in Colorado. These new words are a direct link to my intentions, reminding me of Who I Am and who I want to be in every moment.
I gave up resolutions a long time ago – around the time I abandoned the dream of being a famous film and television actor. Both had become fodder for the illusion that I was a complete and utter failure at life. Since then – and since falling in love with my husband – New Year’s Eve has been a much more enjoyable evening, and January a more compassionately lived month.
This year I made a list of things I’d like to do because the process of accomplishing them would make my soul sing. Everything on the list brings a grin to my face and a burst of excitement to my heart. There are no should’s on this list and I know that each of these will happen in their own time, whether that’s 2011 or 2015. I do not need to force them, or worry about a schedule, or beat myself up for falling behind. When I think about logistics, my mind tends to go into panic mode. One of my biggest lessons from this year of devastation and growth is that if I hold my intentions in my heart, lightly and with a deep trust in their rightness, I will find a way to bring them to be. The more I worry, the more elusive they become – and the more miserable I am.
I find, in this new decade, that in my moments of deepest connection I am keenly aware of the love I have for myself and my life, and my excited anticipation of what is to come.
And that is an entirely new place for me to be.