Touching life

I am feeling grateful tonight. Steve is home, there is money in the bank, and work on the horizon. I have beautiful friends, supportive family, and a small army of warriors of the heart helping me walk this path. I am writing daily, shedding pounds slowly, getting my health and my energy back, and last night as fear turned to terror and threatened to pull me under, I took my own words to heart and I danced. In my living room. In my nightgown. And I understood that dancing, like writing, will save my life.

Years ago, my therapist at the time shook his head with a self-satisfied smile and announced, You need to dance. I nodded and made up excuses. I tried a couple of times to find a class I liked. I gave up. I hated looking in the mirror, comparing the thirty-something out of shape me to the twenty-one year old who danced for a living, or the sixteen year old who danced because it was oxygen and kept her alive. Last night I remembered how to breathe and while it didn’t take the terror away, it made it bearable.

Tonight I stare back at my life in wonder. How did I get so angry that I not only shut the door on my most fundamental needs, I padlocked it, swallowed the key and walked away? I don’t think the answer matters. Somehow, the perfect storm of grief and love is tearing me apart and putting me back together again, closer to whole than I’ve ever been.

I read the other night an excerpt from a book that stated the souls of children who die while still in their mama’s bellies are so evolved that they simply needed to touch life for a moment to complete their journey. It’s a nice thought. Maybe, just maybe, I helped Benjamin as much as he is helping me.

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0 Responses to Touching life

  1. Jessica says:

    That is great Alana! What a big step 🙂 I would love to see you dance…. (((hugs))) <3

  2. “Somehow, the perfect storm of grief and love is tearing me apart and putting me back together again, closer to whole than I’ve ever been.” beautiful. and that slow cloth we’ll be working on? it’ll be tangible reinforcement. trust me . . . and dance on. xo

  3. Jessica says:

    Check out my blog – I’m doing a giveaway (in case you want to enter it!) <3 (((hugs))) my friend!

  4. Tiffany says:

    Beautiful. I too had a therapist tell me to dance once. I do. It fills me, connects me to my body and yet allows me to be free. I am so happy to read that you danced in your nightgown, even if for one night. I loved what you wrote about the evolution of children who needed to only touch life for a moment. I get that and I belive it.

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