In December of 2010, I chose the word I wanted to represent the coming year, this year. I chose ease.
Early in 2011 I realized that what I had hoped for was not ease, but easy. A year that would allow me to coast through, waving and blowing kisses like a Disney princess in her nightly parade. Here is what I wrote then:
“Easy wouldn’t have kept me growing, wouldn’t have forced the healing, wouldn’t have pushed me harder and farther than I thought I wanted to go. Easy could have been handed to me on a silver platter and I would have enjoyed it immensely, but ease is up to me. Ease will take me from seed to flower, because it’s about my level of trust, my faith in myself and the world around me. Ease is about sleeping peacefully with earthquake and tsunami predictions and an ocean 100 yards from my bed. Ease is trusting that I will wake up in the morning when the anxiety I don’t even know that I’m feeling is pounding in my chest. Ease is knowing that if I don’t wake up, those who love me will be okay. Ease is focusing on the weight lost and the health gained, not the ache in my neck and the numbers still to go. Ease is living with gratitude for all that I have been given, when I’m being pounded by grief and swallowed whole by anger. Ease is letting go of the story that has held me together and held me back, without having a new one to tell.”
I began to step into the word. It became a touchstone, like the rubber band on a reformed smoker’s wrist that she snaps to get through the craving. I would find myself whispering it, wondering about it, praying for it. Ease became a practice, another way of entering into the present moment and letting go of my fear, my attachments, my beliefs. Like the word trust, it has become a mantra, a reminder to let go and enjoy the lessons, however painful they might be.
As I sit at the cusp of another year, attempting to wrap my head around the magnitude of the changes brought by the last two, I want to choose a new word, bring in a new energy, slip into something a little more comfortable than what’s surrounded me recently. But I can’t. Or rather I could, but I am ready to admit I have no idea what’s coming, despite my big dreams and intense visions. I have a feeling it’s going to be epic. I plan to put on a little lip gloss and enjoy the ride.
What word sums up 2011 for you? Is there one that encapsulates your dreams for 2012? I’d love to know.