On dreams and tantrums

I’ve been pondering resistance.

I happen to have a fair amount of it. I resist sleep (always have) until I’m over-tired. I resist being organized (even though I crave it). I resist setting up a creative space in my home because then I’d have to actually show up and paint (hello fear and judgment).

It hit me today, in a moment of blinding clarity, that I’ve started resisting some of the very things that grief taught me to soften into, and that I’d better return to those lessons before life hands me another kick in the pants. This was after I woke from a dream where I got a phone call that my daughter had been killed in a car accident at the age of 22. (She’s currently 5)

I talk often of life – and grief – being a spiral. We revisit situations, feeling their familiarity and the frustration of not having it all figured out (I thought I dealt with this already!). But we do it from a different vantage point on the spiral. We’ve changed. Life has changed. We’re ready to release, or learn, or heal on a deeper level.

Which brings me back to resistance.

What if, instead of judging ourselves (okay, myself) for feeling it, and trying to talk myself out of it (you KNOW you need more sleep Alana, what’s wrong with you?!) we fall head first into it. Why not feel the resistance fully, even if it means throwing a tantrum like a tired two-year old, and get to what’s underneath it?

I can figure it out, in my head, which does me little to no good. If I allow myself to feel the resistance in my body, to drink it like a camel at an oasis, to scream at the sky, my cluttered desk, my bed “I don’t want to!”, I wonder what I would discover.

How about you? What are you resisting right now? Are you willing to find what lies underneath? I’d love to know.

Wishing you an enjoyable + enlightening tantrum.
With love,
Alana

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5 Responses to On dreams and tantrums

  1. Stereo says:

    I think I’m resisting allowing myself to relax. This year has thrown so many curveballs that I am constantly on edge, waiting for the next thing I’ll have to work through and persevere against. I should be stopping and allowing myself to enjoy the lull in drama before it all kicks off again.

  2. Roos says:

    Resisting? The fact that at this point I feel totally stuck in my life – I want to be able to be all grateful and happy for what we have, but underneath that is a hidden well of emotions. I tell myself how I should feel – instead of allowing myself to simply feel and be.

  3. Roos says:

    P.s. Thank you for writing this, you opened my eyes at the exact time I needed it.
    -x-

  4. Pamela says:

    What am I not resisting?? Mostly I am resisting living on a Marine base and resisting the foreignness I am experiencing. All this resisting has been so stressful that now I am also resisting rest. Thank you for this!!

  5. illuminary says:

    thats such a complex question..
    what are you resisting?
    On a physical level I feel a war that goes on inside my body, pain and frustration.
    to many levels, I think I will sit with this a while..
    thank you…

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