Reality

I have this fantasy. In it, I spend three days in bed. I get to sleep, cry, read, write, draw, listen to music, sleep more, cry again, pull medicine cards and power cards and angel cards, meditate and generally act like I’m in college and have nothing better to do than take care of myself. For three whole days. Until I can’t stand it anymore and I need to step back out into my life. Since the moment Benjamin died I have wanted a cave to crawl into, where the only person I need to take care of is me. I am trying to find that space in bits and pieces, fits and starts, in the midst of my life.
Even if the three day fantasy became reality, I think I would realize there is no way to fast track the grieving process, despite my deep desire to do so. Once again, I take a deep breath and simply do what needs to be done, as honestly and gently as I can.

*****

Sitting on the beach today, having a picnic with my family, felt so normal I could almost imagine I was living a different life.

*****

I miss you Benjamin. Mama misses you so much.

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0 Responses to Reality

  1. Angela says:

    I often spend days at a time in bed. For me, it usually makes things worse. I find it is better to stick with a routine, get up, walk the dog, have some lunch, try to breathe. I’m lucky that I did not have to return to work after my daughter died, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have that routine. And I agree, it would be so lovely to speed up this grieving process, but we have to live it, hard as it is. Thinking of you tonight.

  2. Emily says:

    Apparently you can do that. My frenemy, who is my husband’s assistant manager at the store and also suffered a 5-month loss, spent a week in bed and then bounced back. And, of course, she kept telling my husband how WONDERFUL (read: heartless? insensitive? inhuman?) she was to get past it that quickly and speculating with him what was MY problem. (sigh)

    Alana, this is the hardest time. But know that there is light, it is coming. And you will come out the other side a changed woman. I look back and shudder, but I wouldn’t give it all back for the person I am today. Short of her, I’d trade it all in a heartbeat for her.

    Praying for God to pull you through! Remember, He will carry you when you ask!

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