I have this fantasy. In it, I spend three days in bed. I get to sleep, cry, read, write, draw, listen to music, sleep more, cry again, pull medicine cards and power cards and angel cards, meditate and generally act like I’m in college and have nothing better to do than take care of myself. For three whole days. Until I can’t stand it anymore and I need to step back out into my life. Since the moment Benjamin died I have wanted a cave to crawl into, where the only person I need to take care of is me. I am trying to find that space in bits and pieces, fits and starts, in the midst of my life.
Even if the three day fantasy became reality, I think I would realize there is no way to fast track the grieving process, despite my deep desire to do so. Once again, I take a deep breath and simply do what needs to be done, as honestly and gently as I can.
Sitting on the beach today, having a picnic with my family, felt so normal I could almost imagine I was living a different life.
I miss you Benjamin. Mama misses you so much.