One of the most important things Ben’s death has done for me is allow me to peel away layers of old habits and thought patterns, and feel as though I’ve been given another chance to step into myself. I realize we can make the choice to change on any given day, at any moment, but there’s nothing like life and death to shake things up.
Since I stopped acting professionally, I have been seeking work that satisfies the deepest, most honest, most brilliant pieces of my soul. Becoming a Pilates instructor didn’t do it, though it saved me from my acting career. While I loved – loved – going back to school, the actual work of being a therapist was too isolating for me. I had a business that taught me much about myself and clarified where my values lie. I learned that even though it was about the money, it was so not about the money. The potential for earning was there but it was never a perfect fit and I couldn’t bring myself to be who I needed to be to earn the big bucks. Coming from a family of artists and scholars, starting a business changed my perception of what I am capable of and even though I gave up, I caught the entrepreneurial bug.
I’ve been sensing the next idea hovering for a while, just out of my line of vision. Wanting to get specific, to get an answer, I would turn to look and it would vanish. Then I got the email from Pace and Kyeli at Connection Revolution announcing Profitable Idealism and my interest was piqued. I know that whatever I do, it must be of benefit to others in some way and that I have to be 100% aligned with it or it won’t work. I also know that I need support to turn any dream into reality. I joined their Twitter party to find out more (and won the KEZA necklace – thank you Pace and Johnny!). Yesterday as I wandered through the day, I started to get flashes of intuition. Last night I sat down with a glass of red wine and some organic corn chips – some habits die hard – and mind-mapped as the excitement built.
Today I crashed. I swung between sadness, anger, fear and despair. My heart hurt as I sat on the floor and painted with Ada. Steve called from work and I couldn’t hold the tears back. I watched my thoughts. I understood what was happening. I felt it in my body. Those ancient thought patterns were surfacing and I could either hand them my power or pull out the Mag light and toolbox. I might have been more graceful about it if I’d been on my own. I have yet to master the “deal with personal crisis while parenting young child” situation. We both survived. And every time I do this successfully, every time I stumble into the past and stay grounded in the present, I am one step closer to shining brightly. I am one step closer to wholeness.
On a related note, I was asked today by someone in our neighborhood if I’d had the baby. It’s not as horrifying a moment as it used to be. For that, I am grateful.