Today was my first full 24 hours on my own with Ada since Ben died. I am exhausted and heartbroken. The day went well, all things considered. I was a little less patient than I would have liked, my pizza stuck to the pan, and the Walk Like the Animals “movement” class we started was lame (I’m getting my money back) but more things went right than wrong and I’m proud of how well I did. The problem is the day isn’t done.
What I want is a glass of wine (or hot chocolate), a foot rub, a shoulder massage, a long hot bath, someone to clean my kitchen, sweep the floors, take 50 pounds off my body and put me to bed. What I have is…me.
I realized just now as I was laying in bed with Ada, not wanting to move, that some time in the last week a switch flipped in my head and now that my incision is officially healed and we’re back from vacation, I’m supposed to be superwoman. The mental list goes something like this: exercise daily, cook three healthy meals plus snacks, keep the house clean, be a great mama, spend time with friends, stay on top of emails, return phone calls, get back to work…. How did my expectations for myself suddenly do a 180 without me even noticing?
All I want right now is a shower, a good cry and maybe a few minutes with a book. Now I need to find the strength to let everything else go and give myself what I need.
The should’s are a whole lot louder when Steve is out of town.