If you push, The Divine laughs. If you pull, The Divine laughs. And if you sit, The Divine says, “Another one ready for enlightenment.”
~ Derek O’Neill, from More Truth Will Set You Free
I am the light, light, light, light of my soul. I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am bliss.
I’m lost, I said, relieved to have found a word to describe the struggle.
Stay lost, said the voice in my head.
My husband and I had a painful conversation this morning. It turns out that who I feel I am on the inside doesn’t necessarily match his experience of me on the outside. At least not right now.
I went for a walk after he and Ada left for school, hoping that moving my body would calm the internal push-pull of this place I find myself in. Immersed in my thoughts, I almost ran into a Great Blue Heron crossing the path. From ten feet away, I watched him take slow, tentative steps, then dissolve into stillness once he reached the other side. A few more steps, then stillness. I ached to see him soar, majestic, no longer tentative.
Halting steps. Stillness. He wasn’t ready to soar. Tentative, but clearly not lost.
And so I sit, allowing this illusion of Lost to fill me, to crack me open. Lost is teaching me to step aside and let life live me. Lost is where I need to be.
I’m dissolving into stillness, slow, tentative steps on either side. I find myself here, in this place, reminding myself (and maybe you)…
Lost can be perfect, sacred, holy.
Because we’re not really lost. We’re just not ready to soar.