Steve left for Germany this morning. That was a really hard goodbye. Even with my mom here I am exhausted and it feels like there is no room for me. No space to be anything other than mama and daughter to the living.
I realized again today that I am afraid of being out in public looking pregnant. Like the well meaning security guard at the hospital who congratulated me as I was wheeled off to have a baby that was too young to live, I am dreading the pain of a “when are you due?” or “how far along?”. I don’t think I can lie. I don’t know if I’ll cry but it’s likely. I want to hide my belly, want to stay hidden until it’s back to the size where people will simply wonder if I have a little weight to lose.
Our delicious dinner tonight was made and delivered by a friend with the cutest little baby bump. She feels like crap but she looks adorable. Ada wanted to know if she was bleeding or if her baby died. Then she wanted to read “Mama, What’s in There?” – a book about pregnant bellies – five times. Staying numb feels awful but today, right now, I don’t know any other way to be.