I’ve been wondering about a few things. I try not to. I can’t go back and change what happened. I can’t bring Benjamin back. So I work to stay in a place of trust that I did all I could. It’s certainly what the doctor believed.
What if I’d had Reiki three times a week instead of just once? The bleeding always seemed to stop afterward. Could I have made it to week 25? or 27? or 30?
What if I’d taken better care of myself? Had more baths, meditated twice a day, written as much as I wanted to? Would it have helped get rid of the chronic stress that I’ve been told is part of my body’s problem?
I stopped in to see my acupuncturist on Monday to schedule an appointment. She helped me with my miscarriage in January. I thought about seeing her during the pregnancy but I didn’t want anything to blame. I didn’t want to say in even a tiny little piece of my heart “it was the acupuncture that did it”. When I told her the news she said “oh, I wish you’d kept coming”. Which I heard as “maybe we could have saved your baby”. Then today I read an article on getting pregnant and both women used acupuncture and Chinese herbs to overcome huge difficulties and give birth to their children. I felt sick to my stomach afterward. Did my fear of acupuncture hurting keep me from something that might have helped?
These are not trains of thought I want to ride for long. They are painful and pointless. Still I can’t help but wonder, for a moment or two, what if…? Would anything be different? Was this really what was supposed to happen? If I don’t get my s**t together and start taking baths and meditating and getting regular acupuncture and chiropractic treatments and chanting and clearing my clutter and living my purpose is there just more pain and loss ahead?
For split seconds I think “What did I do wrong?” and my heart breaks.
Then I cry, breathe, pick myself up and move forward. I got a second chance with my marriage. I don’t get a do-over on this one.
But every now and then, I wonder.