There is a heaviness in my body today, a heaviness in my soul. I woke in the middle of the night to my period, the cramping reminded me on a visceral level that there is no baby, only blood. Right before I woke this morning, I dreamed that Ada had been killed. Grief lies just below my skin, covering me in an extra layer of weight.

I cried on the phone to my husband – poor man – halfway across the country with a sobbing wife and nothing to do. Not that he can do much from halfway across the room either, except come closer and make room for my tears. I am tired of being unwell. This year has been hard. A miscarriage, a broken leg, 23 weeks of nausea, bleeding, fear, doctor visits, hospital visits, surgery, Ben’s death and now this grief. Today I am feeling the toll it has taken on all of us. I am ready for a lightening, for relief. I am ready to have the energy my daughter deserves from me. I am ready to feel good and healthy in my body. I am ready for the storm to clear.

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0 Responses to Heavy

  1. 4ceiba says:

    I have been thinking about where we “dwell” and this sparked even more thoughts.
    Thank you for sharing your tears..
    May you begin the next chapter with a lightness of being…

  2. Tiffany says:

    Oh Alana, I am praying for you!!!! For your daughter, for your husband, for your life! Thank you for your blog it teaches me lessons daily.
    Tiffany (Somer’s friend)

  3. Jessica says:

    Walking with you through this Alana… I wish I could be there to make room for your tears and cry with you. This has been a horrible year for me also. I welcome the end of this year with wide wide open arms. It will be a dark cloud in my life for years if not forever… (((hugs))) <3

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