I’ve been a bit lost since the retreat ended. For many months after Benjamin died, my only goal was to get through the day and stay connected to my heart, my grief, my family. There was a purity to that existence, a rawness that comes when the world stands on its head. I began the slow climb out of the hole I had dug myself into in my twenties and early thirties. The hole that came from never measuring up, never being enough, never doing enough. The hole that I knew I wanted to move out of when my daughter was born, so I didn’t pass that kind of living along.
Day after day passed, I wrote, I danced, I sobbed and laughed and grew. The world shifted again and I was ready to begin stepping out into it as myself – the new-old me. The one who came into the world knowing, but then forgot and has begun to remember what I’m here for. Picking Up the Pieces was born – the guide, then the retreat. For five months my focus was intense, even as I continued to grieve and heal and live my life.
Then it was over.
Space opened up and I fell in. I am still processing what happened. I continue to write about the retreat, recording moments and thoughts to help with the next one, and the one after that. I’ve put down on paper everything I want to do, simply to get it out of my head. My husband and child are ready for more of my attention. My days have been full and somehow, I’ve fallen back into feeling like there’s not enough time, despite having more of it to play with.
I am being kind to myself.
This is a new practice for me – a gift from Benjamin. I’ve instituted a daily sacred hour of power – 20 minutes of meditation, 20 minutes of writing, 20 minutes of moving my body. If nothing else I know doing those three things will keep me connected to myself. I’m allowing the void to be there, this place of not knowing exactly what’s next, of where my focus needs to be. I have three or four projects that are on my hot list and I’m asking for guidance, waiting for clarity. It’s both uncomfortable and peaceful. I feel empty and full. I am immensely grateful for my life.
Where are you right now? Are you in hot pursuit of a goal or floating gently in the void? Are you empty or are you full? How are you taking care of your heart?