Reverb10. December 20
Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (from Jake Nickell)
As I sat down this morning, rain pounding overhead, coffee at my side, hours earlier than I normally write, I was tempted to stand up again and walk away. Avoidance? Really? I’ve been slapped so hard by life this year avoidance wasn’t an option.
I stood up. I walked away. I got a decaf. I thought about Amy Oscar pointing out that the prompts we avoid have a story to tell. I came back.
As much as I’ve poured myself onto the page this year, as much as I’ve opened up and let go, I haven’t been totally honest. With myself. With the people in my life. Here, in this venue. Mostly honest, yes, but not 100%.
That’s hard to admit.
It came up in my meditation last night. I gush about my heart beating gratitude (and it does) and how my life has changed (it has). But if you could have seen me last night, grumpy, unhappy, beating myself up for not getting enough done, avoiding intimacy. Well. That’s the other half of the story.
There are words I’ve left unsaid for years. They play on repeat in my mind. Why haven’t I let them out?
There are truths I’m afraid to tell.
There are pieces of myself I am afraid to love.