An anniversary

One morning last week, Ada woke up with her characteristically bright eyes and sweet smile and I immediately asked her for a hug. She threw herself at me and I held her tight, reveling in the feel of her still small, warm body in my arms. She asked me for a hug (who am I to argue with that logic?), then her daddy. Her next logical step was to exchange a round of kisses and she moved my hair out of the way to press her lips into my cheek. Laying down and sighing contentedly she thought for a moment. Then, with the look on her face that tells us something is coming – something she’s quite proud of and we might or might not find appealing, she announced that she had a “great idea”.

Let’s kiss baby Benjamin.

Oh, I responded, not quite knowing what else to say.

She sat up, leaned forward and kissed my chest, right over my heart. Then her daddy’s. Then it was our turn to kiss hers.

16 months after his death, Benjamin’s big sister gave him his first kiss. And broke open my still-healing heart.

Today – November 25 – is the first anniversary of Benjamin’s due date. Though due date’s are really “anytime-either-side-of dates” when you’re having a live child, they are another emotional minefield to cross when all you have is a memory. As we head off to spend the day making Christmas crafts with friends, I am feeling incredibly blessed and more than a little bit sad.

I love you Benjamin. I miss you and I am so very, very grateful for your presence in our lives.


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8 Responses to An anniversary

  1. Christa says:

    Oh. This is a really big day for you, Alana – for all three of you.

    Holding space for gratitude, peace and so much love to see you through the day… and for Benjamin, too.


  2. Roos says:

    Crying right now…
    A kiss on your mother’s heart. What an amazing children have you put into this world!

    Maybe it’s reassuring to know that Nov. 25th will be over in 1,5 hours here. This day will pass – and the three of you (and all of us with you) will keep the memory alive.


  3. pamela says:

    Thinking of you and hoping that you are finding as much comfort as the Help with the Holidays email you sent gave me. Thank you so much for that! Be gentle with you luminous heart and I am thinking of you all on this anniversary.

  4. Roos says:

    Hey gorgeous, I’ve just noticed you in the sidebar! 😀

  5. Stereo says:

    This brought tears. And the sight of you with that huge grin full of joy in your sidebar brought a grin almost as big. You’re simply lovely.

  6. Kim says:

    Oh, Alana. What a gift that girl is. And today as I seek out people I met during Reverb last year, I am so glad to see that you’re still writing and processing and bringing light.

  7. What a beautiful post. I just happened upon your site when reading comments on another site I sometimes visit — islandofgriefmountainofjoy dot wordpress dot com.

    Your post made me cry, but not in that cutting, painful, weeping sort of way — in a joyful way. While I experienced two miscarriages very early on in pregnancy, I’ve never been through the devastating and forever life-changing experience of losing a baby the way I know you and others have. I hope I never do.

    That said, your site and others like it are blessings to ALL parents — both those who have lost and those who haven’t. Your story about your little girl and her sweet gesture makes me think she sees things that you and your husband possibly cannot see. Perhaps Benjamin visits her somehow, some way? Anyway, I don’t want to venture into an area where I have colossal ignorance — I just wanted to tell you how you boosted my day today and reminded me how children brighten our lives in so many surprising ways.

    Visit me at or my writing site, I’d love to hear your thoughts on some of my musings — especially on freelance writing dreams.

    Beautiful day to you and yours.


  8. what a beautiful way to remember. i love you.

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