One morning last week, Ada woke up with her characteristically bright eyes and sweet smile and I immediately asked her for a hug. She threw herself at me and I held her tight, reveling in the feel of her still small, warm body in my arms. She asked me for a hug (who am I to argue with that logic?), then her daddy. Her next logical step was to exchange a round of kisses and she moved my hair out of the way to press her lips into my cheek. Laying down and sighing contentedly she thought for a moment. Then, with the look on her face that tells us something is coming – something she’s quite proud of and we might or might not find appealing, she announced that she had a “great idea”.
Let’s kiss baby Benjamin.
Oh, I responded, not quite knowing what else to say.
She sat up, leaned forward and kissed my chest, right over my heart. Then her daddy’s. Then it was our turn to kiss hers.
16 months after his death, Benjamin’s big sister gave him his first kiss. And broke open my still-healing heart.
Today – November 25 – is the first anniversary of Benjamin’s due date. Though due date’s are really “anytime-either-side-of dates” when you’re having a live child, they are another emotional minefield to cross when all you have is a memory. As we head off to spend the day making Christmas crafts with friends, I am feeling incredibly blessed and more than a little bit sad.
I love you Benjamin. I miss you and I am so very, very grateful for your presence in our lives.